33 days feels like a very long time. It’s certainly the longest I’ve been sober in my adult life. At the moment I feel great about it; I never want to get drunk and embarrass myself again. I can do the things I need to do to get by in life, and everything is all right. I had to retake an exam today at University, which I failed back in the spring due to being hungover. For the past fortnight my mind has been focused on this exam, because I couldn’t afford to fail it again. My future was hanging in the balance; I desperately didn’t want to fuck up again. My fortnight of hard work paid off in the end because I was able to complete the exam today quite comfortably. So I’m not stupid or a failure after all.
It feels like it’s been a week of achievement. To top it all off I was given my one month sobriety chip at an AA meeting on Tuesday. I keep looking at it, it really is a nice thing. I can’t wait to get my chips for 2, 3, 6, 9 and 12 months! I’m a very visual person and look forward to seeing what colours they are. The 1 month chip is red, my favourite colour.
Earlier this week I began to worry slightly that I wasn’t being very honest in this blog about the down times in sobriety. So far I have been very upbeat and positive, perhaps glossing over the negative feelings that I have also experienced during the past month. Well, I can’t say it’s been the easiest month in my life. In fact it’s probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Some days I don’t want to do anything except sit and watch the telly, when I should be out seeing friends and making something of my life. On those days I just can’t be bothered with life. It all feels pointless and annoying. I feel nervous before pretty much every AA meeting I go to, worrying that I won’t talk to anybody and I’ll end up feeling more lonely than before. This month has made it clear to me that I have great problems with socialising. I felt isolated throughout my teenage years, and then during my drinking years I drank to curb the isolation only to make it worse.
Luckily today isn’t one of those days when I feel very negative about the situation. Having successfully passed an exam that I was worried about for months, I’m going to go to bed feeling pretty positive again. Tomorrow may be an awful day; I may hate everyone and wish I could go to the off license and purchase a six pack of lager. But I’m going to keep praying for my sobriety because I’ve felt the changes taking effect this week and so far this programme is working for me.