Day 81

Readers, it’s been a long week. For the best part of it my internet connection at home has been down, meaning I’ve not been able to log onto here very conveniently since my last blog post. I am sitting in an internet cafe right now hoping I can get a good post written in time before my credit runs out!

Having no internet at home has been a bigger blow than I would have expected it to be. For me the internet has come to represent a lot of the good things in my life. Without it I wouldn’t have this blog; I wouldn’t have made a lot of friends over the years thanks to several great social networking sites; I probably wouldn’t have made it to AA, were it not for those social networking sites in the first place. It’s really easy to say that the internet represents everything good in my life. It has dramatically changed my life in so many ways and not having it at home feels like not having electricity. I’d become that dependent on it.

Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about the problem until an engineer is due to come around to fix it next week. Being a typical alcoholic I’m getting exceptionally impatient for next week to come around. I’m feeling resentful that I’m being deprived of what was once my only link to the outside world. I’m really lost without it, even though there are many internet cafes situated in my local area which provide reasonably priced web access. It’s not just a connection to the outside world for me, it’s a symbol of how far my life has come in the last few years. Before I had the internet at home I had no friends in London. I couldn’t chat with people at all hours of the day and night, I couldn’t download music at the press of the button. The period in my life where I’ve had home internet access is completely separate to the long period before when I didn’t.

It probably sounds quite sad to go on about such a trivial thing, when this is supposed to be a blog about recovery from alcoholism. Getting the internet three years ago didn’t immediately stop me from drinking, there were three more years left of that. But it did initiate some big changes in my life that have enabled me to begin getting better. My life before the internet is the dark, distant past, something which I am trying to escape from every day to get better. As I’ve said, before I had the internet I had no friends in London, because I had no idea how to socialise here. I didn’t know how people went about making friends in such a big city.

That’s the past, but sadly it feels like it is catching up with me all the time. The feelings I used to have about myself are still there: the loneliness, bitterness, resentment. The only way I’ve managed not to drink for nearly three months is by continuously going to AA meetings. They are my most vital link to sanity now. While I still get slightly nervous going into the rooms now, it’s far easier to speak and share than it was three months ago. I have genuine friends now, and I’m starting to get invited on ‘AA nights out’, which is incredible.

Finally got back to University this week, and the modules that we are studying in our final year seem suitably fascinating. I have been told my final year dissertation will be a study on addiction, precisely what I wanted to do. The nerves about improving my marks are still there, and they always will be, but I’m not the only one in that position.

The book, thankfully, is still going well. During the long periods that I’ve been at home with nothing to do this week, I’ve forced myself to write, even though the doubts and the fear are very strong now. Most days I don’t want to write. But I desperately need to finish that novel before the real work at Uni begins. I’ve completed about two thirds of the book, which in the space of ten days, is pretty amazing, even though I’d hoped to complete it by the weekend.

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