After a week of not having internet access at home, it has for some reason decided to come back on today, so I thought I’d better take the opportunity to write something before it goes again! Since I last posted here things have been pretty much the same. My final year at Uni has begun properly and we’ve already been given a ton of homework which I haven’t even thought about starting yet. Part of me is filled with dread every time the thought of that homework crosses my mind; and then I berate myself for being so lazy because I won’t get the marks I want this year if I keep putting everything off to the last minute. But it has just occurred to me that I still have a while left to do the work – my first deadline isn’t for a fortnight, so perhaps I don’t need to put so much pressure on myself at the moment. Unfortunately it’s in my nature to beat myself up. I’m so desperate to get good marks this year, the idea of slipping behind again literally terrifies me.
The novel’s still going well, I guess. If all goes to plan I’ll have finished it by the end of the month. Of course I would have liked to finish it last week, so that I can start to focus completely on my degree. But the creative urge has definitely died a bit this week, and it’s tough to write more than a couple of pages a day at the moment. Compared to the forty pages I wrote last Monday, that seems like nothing. Again, it’s tempting to beat myself up over it. Why can’t I write forty pages every day? Why does the urge have to come and go so sporadically? The truth is, I don’t know why it comes and goes, and there’s not much I can do about it at the moment.
Still going to lots of AA meetings; most of the time I’m glad to be there, but sometimes, like today, I still wish I was somewhere else. I don’t know why but I felt so angry and resentful again this evening, I could hardly talk to people properly, even those who I consider my friends. The voice in my head was saying: ‘don’t speak to anyone, they all think you’re a freak’. It hadn’t done that for a while and I guess I was thinking earlier this week that I’d finally overcome the resentment and fear…and then today happens and it all begins to crumble again.
As I walked home tonight part of me wanted to never go to another meeting. If it’s still this hard to talk to people normally after three months, how long am I going to have to wait until it gets easier? That part of me also really wanted me to have a drink tonight. The voice was saying: ‘maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to allow myself one night of boozing, to anaesthetize the negative feelings. What harm could it really do in the long run?’
Luckily I went straight home and avoided the pub. So there must still be a part of me that wants to continue with the AA program. There were so many reasons why I felt angry and isolated today, and they all come back to my intrinsic self-centredness. Alcoholism is such a selfish disease and today I expected everything to be perfect; sadly it wasn’t and my natural response was to feel resentful about that. They say in AA that when you take away the alcohol you still have the -ism, and I think my ‘ism’ is resenting people. It’s my new addiction. I hope that when I go back to meetings this week I’ll be able to ignore that nasty voice in my head and open myself to people’s friendship and love again, because there really is a lot of love in the rooms. I’ve felt some of that at times, and it’s truly wonderful.