3 months, 25 days

OK. Time for my daily update. Not much to talk about today but I’m going to plough on anyway, as I’m determined to prove to myself that I can do this on a daily basis. It shouldn’t be that hard. There’s always something to write about, I know, but what I’ve discovered this week is that I have a tendency not to do the important things unless they’re easy and fun. Writing this blog is never easy or fun, and sadly neither is life – I believe I need to be pushing myself harder to ‘do’ life every single day.

And I don’t know why I’ve just written a whole paragraph justifying my decision to write a daily blog, when I covered that yesterday. Well, I guess it was something to write about.

I’m currently sitting in the computer room at University, as I’m not able to go home at the moment. I’ve just come out of a three hour lecture on the delightful topic of Prospect Theory, and soon I will be heading off to one of two meetings in Central London, between which I have not chosen yet. There isn’t enough time between the lecture and the meeting this evening to justify going all the way home, which is why I’m staying at Uni for now. It’s not quite as comfy here in the computer room as it would be at home, with my mug of orange squash beside the computer and pop music playing in the background. But it’s tolerable, and at least the room isn’t busy, so no one is likely to see what I’m writing (a few weeks from now, when all the lower years have their coursework deadlines looming, it will be chock-a-block in here, so I’m unlikely to choose to write my daily blog in here again!)

I haven’t chosen which meeting I’ll be going to later because I honestly can’t decide. Each has its pros and its cons. The earlier one, at 7pm, would be slightly easier to get to, and it’s a young persons’ meeting, meaning that I could end my day mixing with peers. The downside is that I haven’t been to that meeting for about six weeks, and the last time I was there I left on a mildly embarrassing note, having ignored everyone in the room on my way out at the end. I was having one of my ‘unsociable’ days at the time.

The other meeting is further away and starts at 7.30, meaning I’d have to fill an extra half hour in the meantime. But I know it better. I’ve been going there ever since I stopped going to the young persons’ group six weeks ago, and I have become comfortable in that routine. That said, my sponsor does think I should try the young persons’ group again, and I know he’s right. This isn’t just about the fact that most of my AA friends at the moment are significantly older than me; by making a regular thing of the young persons’ group I could potentially widen my social circle to include a few more peers, who I might have more things in common with. But the other reason why it could be good for me to return to that meeting is that I really enjoyed it when I first started going back in the summer; it was nice to be in a room full of people all of whom shared very similar life experiences to me. Sadly now, because of what happened the last time I went there, I have this fear of going back, and the longer I leave it, the worse that fear gets.

There I go again, talking about fear. I’m like a stuck record, aren’t I?

I’d love to go back to the young persons’ meeting some time and make loads of friends of my own age – ever since I moved back to London I have to admit that the people I’ve hung out with have been weirdly older than me in most cases. I’ve tried to justify that by convincing myself that I just get on with older people better. Younger people have always seemed a bit intimidating, probably because in my eyes they all seem so much ‘cooler’ than me. This is where the problem lies. Every time I went to that young persons’ meeting, I didn’t feel worthy to be there. In my head I felt so much less cool and interesting than the rest of them. And it’s very clear to me how this crazy situation has come about. I simply haven’t spent much time with my peers in recent years, therefore the negative feelings I had about them to begin with have been allowed to get out of hand. I was bullied at school throughout my childhood, so it’s easy to see how I could have grown up thinking my peers just wouldn’t accept me, ever. Unfortunately I’ve allowed that belief to continue right the way through my adulthood, and now I feel safer mixing with older friends, even though I will occasionally look at other people my age and envy them a bit for being able to just be normal around each other.

I want younger friends; one day I’d love to go out with someone who is in the same age bracket as me too. I’m sure the reason all my relationships have failed is mostly because I’ve been going for the wrong type. I hardly ever have things in common with my partners – it just doesn’t come into the picture when I first start dating someone and they’re lavishing all this attention on me. Unfortunately for me the realisation always hits me, sooner or later, that we have nothing in common, and I could be much better off with someone under the age of 30.

As soon as I start thinking about trying to make friends and lovers out of people under the age of 30, I get scared, just like I get scared by the thought of finding work, taking responsibility, turning my life around in general. Alongside finding work, finding a long term partner has been a MAJOR theme in my life these last few years.

All these things are just so hard to do, yet to normal people it all comes naturally. I hate to sound like the victim, and I know I’m not the only person who’s ever felt that way. I also know that until now it has not been entirely impossible to make friends with younger people in AA. There are a few peers at the meetings that I regularly go to, who I’ve exchanged numbers and hung out with at times. But I do find myself naturally worrying about those friendships more than I worry about the seemingly more solid friendships that I’ve struck up with older AA members. For some reason I feel insecure about any relationship of any type when it happens to involve someone of a similar age to me, and it can’t be a coincidence that pretty much all the resentments I’ve formed in AA so far have focused on that age group.

Anyway, I’ve just texted one of those ‘younger’ friends to ask if he fancies the young persons’ meeting later. I’m now waiting for a reply. I feel like I’ve just taken a huge gamble. This evening could end up going really well , or really badly. It’s hard, but I know the only way I’m going to learn to think about these situations more normally is by continuing to take risks like this.

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