Whoa! I’ve done a third of a year! I’m really happy about that, honestly, but I’m afraid I’m not in much of a mood to write about it tonight. I’ve spent another uneventful day at home, surfing the internet and looking out of the window. I should be glad to have the free time, considering it was seven very busy weeks at Uni before this week. But, just as I had no idea what to do with myself during the masses of free time that I was given over the summer holiday, I think I feel a bit lost at the moment. Yes, I should go to a meeting, but it’s too cold outside tonight and I’m too lazy. I will definitely go to the meeting tomorrow, because I like that one.
Whenever I have nothing to do I always feel like I should be doing something, and when I can’t find anything to do I simply start worrying about things. I’ve been worrying a bit today about the financial situation; I’ve also been unable to stop myself from projecting to next year, when I will have no choice but to go out and look for work. I say the Step 3 prayer every morning now but it doesn’t seem to be working. I can’t hand over every single thing that I’m concerned about; my brain is wired to always be anxious about something. Without worrying, my head begins to feel empty, and not in a good way.
This afternoon I tried to take my mind off all the crap by copying up some old diaries to the computer. It’s been a major project for months, because all of my diaries up to the year 2005 are handwritten, and I’d feel more comfortable with them copied, so I’ve been meticulously typing out every line and saving it to the PC. Obviously when I was busy at Uni I had no time to do this, so today was the first time I’d done any copying for weeks. For a few hours it was nice to have something relatively interesting to do, as I looked back through the stuff I was writing in the year 2000. Although it was only seven years ago, it feels like a whole world away now.
I was 17 years old, and I hadn’t taken my first drink yet. I was an isolated, nervous teenager and I would never want to go back to that life for anything; though the more time I spend engaged with those old diaries the more I begin to feel like my life has indeed gone back to the way it was at the beginning of the decade. I’m living at home again, with no financial independence, and I’m hardly ever going out. The major difference in my life now is, of course, the fact that I have the AA fellowship to turn to in times of need. Seven years ago I didn’t have anyone or anything. But the emotions I’m feeling at the moment are exactly the same as the emotions which I experienced before my drinking days, and every day I seem to have to accept that those emotions and feelings are here to stay. I was very bored and dissatisfied with my life when I was 17, and thought that I could never be happy until all boredom and dissatisfaction had left me completely. What’s becoming clear to me now is that my life will never be perfect – there’ll always be crappy days, amongst the good days.
It will probably be a long time before I have full financial and emotional independence, a fact which still really hurts. My resentment towards that will almost certainly come up in Step 4, which I’m about to start with my sponsor. I simply can’t change the fact that at the moment I cannot manage paid work alongside my degree. Going to Uni full time is stressful enough. For the next year I will continue to be dependent on my mother, just like I was as a kid. I hate it, but there’s no getting around it.