I love Christmas time! Every year the same old songs get played on the radio, but for as long as I can remember I’ve loved them all, and each December they produce that same warm feeling inside. I don’t really know what it is. We haven’t exactly celebrated Christmas here at home for years. We don’t exchange gifts, we don’t eat turkey, we don’t put decorations up…it’s just not a tradition in my household. But I still look forward to Christmas just as much every year, not least because I know everyone will probably be extra nice to each other, and there will be some good stuff on the telly. Added to the mix this year is my sobriety, of course. The thought of spending Christmas sober doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s been five long months for me, and I’m not about to throw that away now. I love sobriety more than I ever did, and I can’t wait to enjoy a few soft drinks with whatever Christmas meal my mum cooks for us, while the festive classics play on the radio.
It’s been another slightly uneventful day. I was very responsible earlier in getting some laundry done. It’s never been a chore that I’ve relished, but the sense of achievement afterwards is always worth it (that may have been ironic). All evening I’ve been glued to the TV watching this year’s X Factor final. The show had it all, including a performance by my favourite singer, Kylie Minogue. One of the reasons I’m glad I don’t go out drinking any more is that I get to stay in on Saturday nights and see such wonderful TV!
I’ve been thinking a little over the past couple of days about my involvement with D. I’m aware that I made a resolution to remain friends with him, but the more I think about it, the more I want to date him again! I know it would be such a bad idea, as I know how co-dependent the relationship already is after just two weeks. But Wednesday night was sooo wonderful, and the childish romantic in me wants to experience that again as soon as possible.
The problem is, it’s the childish part of me that wants to go down that road. The adult part of me knows it would be wrong, and I’m so tired of the two parts to me debating over this that I feel quite down just thinking about it. I spoke to D on the phone earlier as usual, and it wasn’t the natural flowing conversation that I’ve become used to having with him. It felt awkward and forced, from my side at least.
I’m probably reading way too much into things at such an early stage. I’ve only known him for two weeks! I always get like this – it’s stupid!
I think our conversation earlier was more awkward than usual because we both know things have changed. Sobriety is a serious business, and we know it will not always be sweet and romantic, like it was on Wednesday. At this point in our sobriety we just can’t take the risk on starting an adult relationship, because we’re not really adults at the moment. We’ve gone back to puberty, and we’re learning things about life which normal people seem to have learnt in their childhoods. Our relationship can’t possibly work with me getting as co-dependent as I already have.
The disappointment that Wednesday won’t happen again is a pretty painful pill to swallow. I’ll get over it, and I’m grateful that at least it was just a date, and we didn’t jump straight into bed like I did with people in the past. I’m confident that I’ve done everything the right way so far. I still really want to try a relationship. But I’m just going to upset myself if I carry on dwelling on it. So, it’s over now. Done.