A better day than yesterday over all; I haven’t done much, but I just feel better, as I always do after a good sleep. The main highlight of the day was this evening’s meeting. After four days without one, I knew I needed one today, so I attended the step meeting in town which I don’t normally attend. I’m glad I went today as this week it was focused on step 12, a step I personally find fascinating. It strikes me as a very hopeful step, not that all the other steps aren’t hopeful, but it is the end of the program; the step upon completion of which one can look to the future and be totally confident in one’s achievement. After we’d read the step out, the meeting settled on a philosophical tone, with people sharing about their conceptions of a higher power and their own personal takes on the program. I heard a lot of things which I felt were very relevant to me. The great thing about AA is that you can go to a meeting you don’t normally go to, and still fit in comfortably.
Though I’m nowhere near step 12 in my own program, I really enjoyed tonight’s meeting and I think I will continue to go back every time it comes round to step 12 in the cycle. The meeting focuses on a different step every week, and when it starts back up after New Year it will be back to step 1, rather aptly. I’ll probably attend each week up til step 4 or 5 in this cycle; it’s good to hear how people talk about the steps in general. I feel like I’ve been on step 4 for so long now, it would be nice to be part of a meeting that actually focuses on it, which will perhaps help me to move on from it. Although by the time the cycle comes round to step 4 I may already be lucky enough to have moved on; I think the last time the meeting came to step 4 I was only on step 2 or 3 myself.
I’ve had time to think about what happened yesterday, and I guess I was so strung out because I was tired. I had to work very hard in the morning to get through that voluntary work shift, but I couldn’t appreciate that hard work because it had resulted in me not being able to show up for my greeting commitment. I spent the afternoon wallowing in misery and, dare I say it, self pity, simply because I am still a relative newcomer to the program and and I don’t yet have all the tools to hand the negativity over.
As I said before, I feel better today because I’ve had a good sleep, and I can see that yesterday wasn’t so bad. It could have been better, obviously; all of last week could have been better, really. I can appreciate that I made some mistakes last week. I went on a date when I should have known better; I put my name down to greet at a meeting on the same day that I had voluntary work in the morning. There is hope in those mistakes, if I can learn from them.
If I’m sounding excessively philosophical, it’s because of tonight’s meeting! People talked of learning and growing from their mistakes; the alcoholic habit of making life difficult for ourselves when we always have the choice to make things simple. I realise that in the past week I made things tougher for myself than necessary. Many people tonight also spoke of the infamous ‘miracle’; most of them had years of sobriety, and so had all apparently experienced their miracles already.
I know I haven’t experienced my miracle yet because I’m still making these mistakes, still finding life tough when it shouldn’t be. But after five months, I can safely say I’m closer to knowing what my miracle will be than I was in the beginning. I know what needs to happen for my life to change. Well, at least I know what I’d quite like to happen. I’d like to be able to walk into a room full of people and not instantly feel as if they’re strangers who all dislike me; I’d like to share in every meeting; I’d like to feel comfortable with doing more service in the fellowship; I’d like to start forming healthy, loving relationships; I’d love to get a job in my life outside AA which I enjoy. All these things are covered by the Promises, I think. So, I soldier on with the programme.