5 months, 5 days

Brrr! I really don’t like this cold weather. But I’m surprised by how I’m managing to survive it. I’m still walking to most if not all meetings, saving money on travel. Usually, I convince myself to walk by telling myself that if I can survive an hour long walk in the freezing cold, then I can survive anything. So far, it’s working.

Today was good. I haven’t yet managed to start on the holiday homework for Uni – but I’m not beating myself up about that. If I can start tomorrow, it will be fine. I loved tonight’s meeting. I can’t believe it’s one that I used to hate in the beginning. The tone was very hopeful; people talked of overcoming their difficult childhoods to lead fulfilling, ‘normal’ lives in sobriety. I nearly cried when someone talked for ten minutes about their abusive father, who is now gone. Their pain, shame and fear caused by that father resonated so much with me – even though I never knew my own father. As I’ve said before, there was no physical abuse in my childhood, but there was a degree of emotional neglect, which I know is going to take a very long to time to deal with.

Luckily, I’m starting to deal with it now, because I’m letting myself feel the pain. I’m so, so lucky to have a support network in AA, because for the first time in my life my pain is being validated. And with that new sense of validation I think I’m gradually softening up to the world. Before I may have thought I was a really nice person, but I was always in denial. The truth is, before recovery I had quite a hard outer shell, past which I’d rarely ever let anyone. I’m not saying all that shit has been undone in the space of five months, but I’m beginning to work on the problem, and I feel that the start I’ve made is the most positive thing in my entire life.

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