5 months, 8 days

Last night I made a mistake. After finishing yesterday’s blog, I tossed a coin because I just couldn’t decide what to do. I wanted to keep to my celibacy pact, to be good to myself and my sobriety, and at the same time I wanted to go and spend the evening with that guy, J, and be naughty with him. I decided it would be heads for J, tails for sobriety. The toss of the coin was quick, and it came up heads. I thought: this must be my higher power intervening. So I got my coat on and went over to South London, where J met me at a train station in his car. During much of the journey, I didn’t feel as excited as I perhaps could have felt. I was about to have my first hot night in over five months, but I just felt a bit dirty. I couldn’t feel happy with my decision to go out, because I’d let a coin decide for me. I’d only known this guy for two days, I was behaving like a slut and I knew it. Before heading to his place we had to go shopping for the evening’s dinner. He’d offered to cook for me, so we bought a few bits and bobs in a giant supermarket. Not much chat went on as we walked around the shop looking for nice herbs and spices. J seemed a bit stressed out, by what I don’t know, and this didn’t help me to feel confident in my decision. I wanted everything to be perfect, and because it wasn’t I quickly became terrified that the night would be a complete disaster.

After shopping we drove over to J’s flat. While J cooked chicken and pasta for us I flicked through the channels on his TV. A little later at dinner not an awful lot of words were exchanged; the TV was a bit too distracting and we were both still a bit too nervous, I think. After dinner we sat together on the sofa in front of the TV, and there things started to get a bit steamy. At first everything was lovely, but soon I was freaked out by what was happening. My first encounter in five months should have been so much better, but I blew it. I just wanted it to stop, and I don’t know why. I was paralyzed and let it continue because of my people-pleasing instinct: I didn’t want to piss J off. I’ve pissed guys off before by being ‘frigid’.

No one has the right to make me do anything I don’t want to do, yet I keep making myself do things that I don’t want to do. The fact I managed five months without sex is great, but those five months mean virtually nothing after last night, and I feel like I’ve had a slip – i.e. one of those slips that they talk about in AA, a relapse. Last night had very little to do with alcohol – there was no alcohol in the flat, and I certainly wouldn’t have touched it if there had been. Sadly, I’m beginning to realise that alcohol hasn’t been my only addiction in life. Perhaps there’s a bit of a sex addiction in there somewhere. There must be a reason why I couldn’t say “no” last night, why I had to let a coin decide my whole evening for me rather than come to an adult decision by myself.

It is a complicated and tangled mess in my head, this sex and relationship business. The sex bit is the bit I don’t like. But I keep going back for it because there’s hugging and kissing involved. I went to J’s place last night for the same reason that I went to all those guys’ places over the years: for a cuddle. I wanted to be loved. I thought I’d faced up to this a long time ago, but I can’t have because I made the same mistake again last night. I mistook something casual for something that could have been serious and meaningful.

I felt disgusting last night and I never want to feel that way again. I’m not blaming anyone for me feeling that way, not J, or anyone I’ve known in the past. Like I said, I have no idea why I’m so screwed up about sex. I just am, and the responsible thing appears to be to stay away from it completely, until the underlying issue is properly dealt with. Celibacy was a good idea after all. The AA programme suggests one day at a time, so I’m going to do this, one day at a time.

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