Since it’s before midnight on Sunday, it’s still technically 5 months and 22 days for me. I hope I’m not going to be up as late tonight as I was last night – though I can’t guarantee that. I’ve had a good day. My greeting commitment at the Sunday meeting in Central London took place this afternoon; it was fine. I was really nervous beforehand, mainly about seeing J, the guy who sent me the abusive text messages last week. Luckily he didn’t show up today, thus keeping to our unspoken arrangement. Once the greeting had started I couldn’t shake the anxiety off, unfortunately. I just wanted it to be 4pm, so that I could go inside and sit down, and not have to say “hello” to any more people. I don’t find this responsibility business fun at all. I wish I could just give the commitment up, but I know I have no good reason to do that. If I give this commitment up I’ll probably never get another one.
The meeting was OK. Because I couldn’t go inside until 4 on the dot, I was forced to sit at the back on an uncomfortable ledge, as all the chairs in the meeting had been taken. It was the busiest I’d ever seen it today. As I was sat at the back, and my view of the front was blocked by a badly placed pillar, I felt unable to share. So I can’t say I was able to appreciate today’s meeting very much. Afterwards I was kind of determined to go for coffee with the group, as I hadn’t been for ages. My friends were there today and I was keen to grab the opportunity to hang around with them. So I tagged along to the coffee shop, thinking I might only stay for half an hour but glad just to have a bit more time with them.
I was with the group of young AA friends who have sort of scared me in the past. I’ve always thought I should be part of that group, but have never quite managed it because being part of the ‘cool’ clique has always daunted me somewhat. They are really cool people, and I love their company, but because they’re so cool I don’t know how to be with them sometimes. In my school days I could only dream of being part of the cool crowd. I wouldn’t have been allowed to hang out with people like that. Anyway, these friends seemed happy to drink coffee and chat with me for a couple of hours this evening. In the past I’ve had major resentments against pretty much every one of them, but today that all melted away.
We talked about things that piss us off in the fellowship, all the AA cliches that we’re sooo bored of hearing by now; then the conversation moved onto our love lives, how much sex we’ve all been getting. I felt like I was in Sex & The City! It was surreal, in a really cool way. That’s what I’ve been looking for in sobriety: the chance to become friends with likeminded people, who I can spend time with and talk about fun, interesting things with. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve other friends in the fellowship who I can always hang out with, but not many of them are my age, and not many are around the same time in sobriety as me. The group I was with today were all in their first year of sobriety, and it’s so nice to be able to go through this with people who are going through it at exactly the same time.
The hardest thing, I guess, is that I know they all meet up for coffee and stuff outside of meetings. In the very beginning, I used to go for coffee with them on non-meeting days too, but then I got those horrible resentments against them, and I just stopped seeing them. Maybe I will start again. Oh, I hope I can, but it could take time. I still find it hard to believe that they actually like me sometimes. I’ve never been valued and liked by my peers. All the friends I had before I came into the fellowship were about twice my age. Though I love those friends dearly, I do need to be with people of my generation too. One of the guys in the group today, P, is three months sober, and when he first came into the fellowship I thought I’d never like him. All he seemed to talk about was sex and clubbing all the time. To begin with I thought he was simply an arse, a fake. Today I found that I was wrong. I started to open up to him about the abusive texts which J sent me last week, and he was really supportive and kind, telling me that the best thing to do is to speak to my sponsor about it. I knew he was right, I just couldn’t believe that someone with three months sobriety was giving me advice!
I hate being wrong about people. Now I know I was wrong about P before. I was wrong about all of them. I never had reason to resent any of these people – they’re all in precisely the same boat as me, and I need them. This is but one of many lessons that I had to learn in sobriety. All I can do is ask my higher power to show me the way to becoming part of the young AA ‘clique’ – because I haven’t got the first clue!