5 months, 23 days

I have had a great day, all things considered, so it is strange that I should feel so anxious about nothing in particular tonight. I think I just have these anxiety attacks sometimes – I can’t stop worrying, even though everything has gone to plan today and there’s nothing particularly dreadful coming up tomorrow. I received some very unexpected and good news this morning, in that I will be receiving a lot more money from the government this year for my degree than I thought I would. Originally I believed I’d be living on a certain amount and I had planned a reasonable if somewhat meagre weekly budget on that basis back in September. Now I’m told I won’t have to pay my tuition fees after all, and I’ll also be getting a grant that I’ll never have to pay back. I don’t know why this news has come now – I phoned them to make sure it wasn’t a mistake, and apparently it’s all true. So, it looks like 2008 is going to be a lot easier for me on the financial front than 2007. I really needed this news, to be honest. I can finally feel comfortable about money, for the first time in years. I’d got so used to being in debt, and now I won’t be any more; it’s really weird actually. I’m tremendously grateful today, needless to say.

It was the first day back at Uni after the holidays, and a group of us were sat in the computer room all afternoon finishing off one of the essays which is due in this week. I spent a pleasant afternoon chatting with my friends whilst writing up a very interesting essay (all about media representations of gay men). I was glad to be back at Uni and I look forward to a very good final term. As we were leaving this evening someone said they could remember our first day back in 2005, when we were all new, as if it was yesterday. I remember it as if it was yesterday – I can’t believe how long ago that was, how quickly the years have gone and how much things have actually changed since then. I have grown in the past three years, not in the ways I would have expected to, but I’ve grown nonetheless.

I attended a lovely Step One meeting this evening in town, where my good friend S was giving the chair. I saw a lot of familiar faces, all of whom I genuinely like as people now, and I heard a lot of relevant and powerful sharing. So I shouldn’t have anything to worry about this evening. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The only thing I can vaguely think of is that I haven’t spoken to my sponsor since Saturday. Last week we met up and agreed that we’d get back into the habit of speaking regularly, because we only spoke on the phone about twice in December, and we weren’t really keeping up to date with each other’s progress at that time at all. Last week to see and speak with him again was nicer than I thought it would be; I realised how cool my sponsor actually is, for the first time. I’d like to get back to work on that relationship because I’m meant to be starting on step 5 soon. I really don’t want that to be delayed, as I’m so ready for it now. When we’re not in touch with each other it’s entirely my fault for forgetting to call him. I could easily have called him earlier this evening but I simply forgot. I left him a message when I got home an hour ago; hopefully he’ll get it and call me back tomorrow. When I’m in touch with my sponsor and working the steps, I genuinely do feel better about things.

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