I’ve come down with a nasty cold which meant that I felt unwell all day, and I really resented going to my home group tonight to be the literature person for the first time, but I felt I had to go as I couldn’t let them down in my first week in the role. As I was voted in to be tea boy at the Monday step meeting last week, I was voted in to be literature boy at my home group in a very similar fashion last week: i.e. no one else wanted the job and I was the only mug who looked up to the job. I’m being bitchy, I know, but I’m not well and I don’t feel like being nice about it.
Doing the literature isn’t difficult, it’s just the fact that I got there tonight to find that someone had already put it all out for me. If they want me to do the job why don’t they let me do it? And then the meeting started and the chair was exceptionally positive about his half decade in AA, as chairs usually are, and I didn’t want to be there. I realised that I had felt this way every single week since coming into AA. I never really want to be there, even though there’s part of me that always looked forward to that meeting too. I made it my home group because it’s the only meeting I have been able to tolerate continuously since last July. Am I feeling resentful of it now because it has become familiar to me? Everything that becomes familiar to me ends up being resented by me at some point.
After all the newcomers had had their chance to speak I put my hand up to share as I knew it was the right thing to do. I realised that my ‘illness button’ was being pushed by something and the negativity needed to come out for me to feel better. I can’t afford to isolate and keep it to myself any more. I didn’t really plan my share, I simply said what came to mind, and I ended up speaking about social anxiety for three minutes, as I think that’s the real problem with meetings like that. It’s an incredibly sociable meeting, and because I felt ill tonight I didn’t have the energy to put the effort into socialising, which made me resentful and isolated to begin with.
Once I’d shared I felt better, though I still had to put all the literature away at the end of the meeting, which was a real struggle. I don’t think I should have gone tonight – I just wasn’t physically 100%. I think I went anyway to punish myself, for all the times that I stayed at home during my drinking days, all the commitments I missed because of hangovers.
No more commitments until Sunday, thank you! I’ve done my bit this week, and I am proud of that. I’m not in love with the idea that I will have to commit to those three meetings every single week for the next year – a year is such a long time, and it’s still so hard being responsible, even though I want to be responsible now. I will keep my commitments because I know I can do them now. I don’t like them but they’re there and for a number of reasons, they’re mine – so my higher power and my sponsor keep telling me.