6 months, 18 days

It was an OK day. This afternoon I went for coffee with a friend; we sat in a nice cafe bar for an hour and chatted about interesting stuff. After that I came home and wrote for a while. I finished another chapter today; I think I’m only a few chapters away from the end of this novel. As I said before, I will have to go back and make improvements once I’ve finished, but they will be fun improvements. At the moment all the plot and the characters are there, but no description. I’ve always lacked the ability to describe things in fine detail in my writing. I can write a good dramatic scene, but I find it difficult to inform the reader what my characters look and sound like, what things feel and smell like. In writing it’s good to write about those things too, because they make the story more believable. It adds colour.

I’m a bit pissed off again tonight. I don’t even know why. There’s no reason for me to be pissed off right now, nothing’s happened. I think I might be depressed. I feel like everything is going wrong, when I know it’s not. There are so many things that need to be done, and I just don’t want to do them any more. I want to call off all commitments and stay at home forever. In fact if I could dedicate the rest of my life to staying indoors and writing right now, I’d happily do it. But I know I can never do that. I have to keep going with everything in my life, otherwise my recovery will suffer.

I’m so tired of meetings, and work, and people. I could have gone to a meeting last night; I should have gone to one tonight; I couldn’t be bothered. I’m booked to do voluntary work in the morning; I don’t want to do it any more. Thank God I’m not booked to greet at tomorrow afternoon’s meeting in town, because I don’t think I can face that one tomorrow. I’m tired of seeing the same faces there all the time, having the same conversations and pretending to be fine all the time. I’m frigging sick of it.

My resentment against my sponsor has increased, and I haven’t phoned him since Thursday. We’re supposed to be meeting next week to get on with step 5, and I don’t want to now. I’m sick of all this work that I have to do, all this fear that I have to experience every second of the day. I can’t relax for one minute. Even when I’m at home and there’s nothing to do I can’t relax, because I’m always thinking about the next plan, the next important thing coming up.

I know I’m not working my program properly today. I’m too tired to work it right now. It would be foolish to say that I’m not thinking about drinking tonight. It’s not going to happen, because the off license has just closed, and I don’t go to the pubs around here, ever. I’m still thinking about it. There’s no one to phone for help, it’s too late. I can’t speak on the phone anyway because my mum’s in the next room and she’ll hear me. So I have to sit this out and wait for it to pass. I’m even too angry to pray.

Should I make an appointment with my doctor and ask for anti-depressants? Would that help? I’ve been asking my higher power for an answer to that question for months, but no answers have come. I have no idea whether it would help or not because I’ve never taken anti-depressants before. Some people would tell me to steer clear of them. Others would tell me to try them and make my own mind up. Part of me knows that my addictive personality could react to them. The other part knows that I’m suffering and no amount of praying is going to make me feel better tonight.

No, the situation isn’t really so bad but inside I feel awful. My feelings are the problem here, they always have been. I have a faulty way of reacting to situations and I just don’t know what I can do about it any more. I’m desperate for a solution, when maybe there isn’t one. Maybe I need to go to sleep and get on with things tomorrow. I hate the idea of doing that, but there’s absolutely nothing else I can do tonight. I’ve been honest here, and I hope someone can appreciate that.

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6 thoughts on “6 months, 18 days

  1. Hang in there.

    You’re human…we all get pissed off…we all get depressed…we all get tired and don’t want to do the things we’re committed to. Seems to me that our frames of mind are always darker at night. Maybe you should sleep…or watch mindless shows on television. Hopefully, things will look brighter in the morning.

  2. The worst thing is that I’m scared to go to sleep now, because I don’t want it to be tomorrow, I don’t want the morning to come with all its responsibility. I used to feel this way every morning before school. God, I need to grow up.

  3. hi! just came across your blog while looking for something on codependency; maybe try taking the pressure off yourself – what is it you have to do tomorrow? if you stay in bed, miss your commitments, the world will still be ok next time you enter it; anti-depressants could help – as might meditation – just learning to be in the moment and not being in tomorrow morning – hard, but even trying can help still the mind. you will be fine!

  4. Commitments are good for me because so often what I would like to do, isn’t in my own self-interest. Part of sobriety for me, has been learning to do the right thing, not just the right thing that I feel like doing. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not always good at it.

    I’m all too familiar with the make myself miserable at the moment dreading tomorrow sensation. It gets better.

    Anti-depressants don’t really have any abuse potential. They take an awfully long time to work and all they do when they do work is to make a person feel normal. Feeling normal was never a good enough sensation for me when I was out there drinking. I wanted something more than that.

    On the other hand, it’s normal to be completely wigged out after six months of sobriety. My first year my mind and emotions went to every extreme imaginable to get me to drink again. After the first year, things seemed to have called down quite a bit. That being said, having been sober a number of years, I found I need to go on anti-depressants because despite working a good program and doing what I needed to do, I was experience feelings of overwhelming sadness and despair that did not seem to relate much to what was actually happening in my life.

    Good Luck

  5. Just dropping you a line to let you know that I’m thinking about you. Hope you made out okay today…and things are going okay for you.

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