It was an OK day. This afternoon I went for coffee with a friend; we sat in a nice cafe bar for an hour and chatted about interesting stuff. After that I came home and wrote for a while. I finished another chapter today; I think I’m only a few chapters away from the end of this novel. As I said before, I will have to go back and make improvements once I’ve finished, but they will be fun improvements. At the moment all the plot and the characters are there, but no description. I’ve always lacked the ability to describe things in fine detail in my writing. I can write a good dramatic scene, but I find it difficult to inform the reader what my characters look and sound like, what things feel and smell like. In writing it’s good to write about those things too, because they make the story more believable. It adds colour.
I’m a bit pissed off again tonight. I don’t even know why. There’s no reason for me to be pissed off right now, nothing’s happened. I think I might be depressed. I feel like everything is going wrong, when I know it’s not. There are so many things that need to be done, and I just don’t want to do them any more. I want to call off all commitments and stay at home forever. In fact if I could dedicate the rest of my life to staying indoors and writing right now, I’d happily do it. But I know I can never do that. I have to keep going with everything in my life, otherwise my recovery will suffer.
I’m so tired of meetings, and work, and people. I could have gone to a meeting last night; I should have gone to one tonight; I couldn’t be bothered. I’m booked to do voluntary work in the morning; I don’t want to do it any more. Thank God I’m not booked to greet at tomorrow afternoon’s meeting in town, because I don’t think I can face that one tomorrow. I’m tired of seeing the same faces there all the time, having the same conversations and pretending to be fine all the time. I’m frigging sick of it.
My resentment against my sponsor has increased, and I haven’t phoned him since Thursday. We’re supposed to be meeting next week to get on with step 5, and I don’t want to now. I’m sick of all this work that I have to do, all this fear that I have to experience every second of the day. I can’t relax for one minute. Even when I’m at home and there’s nothing to do I can’t relax, because I’m always thinking about the next plan, the next important thing coming up.
I know I’m not working my program properly today. I’m too tired to work it right now. It would be foolish to say that I’m not thinking about drinking tonight. It’s not going to happen, because the off license has just closed, and I don’t go to the pubs around here, ever. I’m still thinking about it. There’s no one to phone for help, it’s too late. I can’t speak on the phone anyway because my mum’s in the next room and she’ll hear me. So I have to sit this out and wait for it to pass. I’m even too angry to pray.
Should I make an appointment with my doctor and ask for anti-depressants? Would that help? I’ve been asking my higher power for an answer to that question for months, but no answers have come. I have no idea whether it would help or not because I’ve never taken anti-depressants before. Some people would tell me to steer clear of them. Others would tell me to try them and make my own mind up. Part of me knows that my addictive personality could react to them. The other part knows that I’m suffering and no amount of praying is going to make me feel better tonight.
No, the situation isn’t really so bad but inside I feel awful. My feelings are the problem here, they always have been. I have a faulty way of reacting to situations and I just don’t know what I can do about it any more. I’m desperate for a solution, when maybe there isn’t one. Maybe I need to go to sleep and get on with things tomorrow. I hate the idea of doing that, but there’s absolutely nothing else I can do tonight. I’ve been honest here, and I hope someone can appreciate that.