I believe today was a bit better than yesterday. I woke up just as scared as I was last night, but somehow that fear disappeared quickly. I think reading the comments on yesterday’s blog helped quite a lot. Thanks, guys.
I went to work as I said I would, and spent the morning and afternoon delivering food to people in London too sick to cook for themselves. I have been doing this job since last July; it is the reason I initially got sober. It’s rewarding work, but not once have I ever actually looked forward to a shift. I still can’t imagine myself going into work and looking forward to it. Well, I guess at least I wasn’t as nervous going in this morning as I used to be. I kept reminding myself that I had a choice in how to feel, which helped a lot.
I need to keep doing this work because it gets me out of bed in the morning, and I know it will build my confidence for when I have to get a real job later in the year. I’m in no doubt that when I do get a real job I will be scared every single morning to begin with. That fear is, as I have said many times before, the fear of responsibility, embarrassment and rejection. I think it will take years to go away. But I’m not going to give into it any more. So many times I’ve wanted to run away from commitments in sobriety; so far I haven’t run away from any.
I decided to come straight home from work rather than go to the meeting this evening. I had asked someone to fill in for me as greeter today so I could have a break from it. This was bad of me, I know. I haven’t been to a meeting since Thursday, and I can feel it. But I needed a rest this evening. I will go to the meeting tomorrow and make the tea. It will be all right.
I think the main problem yesterday was this resentment against my sponsor. I let it cloud everything because I was so worried about it. I’ve pretty much come to the decision that I need a new sponsor. I need someone who doesn’t work at weekends and I need someone who has many years of sobriety. I’m not enthralled with the prospect of sacking my current sponsor, because he’s a really nice guy, but I need to put my sobriety first. I will phone him tomorrow and break the news. I guess this means I’ll have to do the first four steps all over again, but at least it will mean I’ve done them thoroughly.