Today has been a bit harder than yesterday. For some reason I managed to spend a whole day at home doing absolutely nothing. I got up early this morning and I was going to spend the day studying, but I just couldn’t make a start on anything. By the evening I felt so bad about this I was quite depressed. So I went to my home group in a bad mood, beating myself up whilst knowing perfectly well that I could have changed things by making the simplest of starts on the work. I got to my home group to find that once again the secretary had set all the literature up for me; I would have been grateful if it weren’t for the fact that I’d made the effort to get there half an hour early to do the job myself. I don’t think he really does it as a favour to me, I think it’s more because he doesn’t trust me to do the job yet. Well, that’s what my head tells me anyway.
I was so pissed off about things I didn’t share in the meeting, for the first time since last July. It’s the one meeting I’ve gone to and shared at every single week since coming into recovery. I had hoped to continue the regular sharing forever, but the chain is broken now. Fricking brilliant.
I was too tired to get really worked up, so I just remained in a mild state of disenchantment, which has to be better than full on hysterics, I suppose. As the night dragged on I was slowly able to regain some perspective. I reminded myself that if the secretary thought I was doing a bad job as literature secretary, he would have told me by now. If he really does think I’m a bad literature secretary but for whatever reason is choosing to keep it from me, then it’s his problem.
The other reassuring thing is simply the fact that I haven’t had a full on depressive attack. Yeah, I was a little disengaged in the meeting, but I was still able to talk to people before and afterwards. Helpful thoughts seem to be coming to me more naturally, though only just. I still don’t think I’m the best literature secretary ever; if I last the whole year I’ll be surprised. Since it is a newcomers meeting there are naturally lots of people there in their early days who probably want AA literature but are too scared to approach me about it; by now maybe I should be approaching the newcomers myself, but I can’t do it. Every time I think about approaching someone new that fear hits me and I’m virtually paralyzed to the spot. I can’t talk to strangers, and I know that one of my biggest challenges in sobriety will be learning how to do it.