It’s been a good day. I dragged my arse into University earlier even though I didn’t want to. It’s not that I’ve got bored of the semester’s modules already, it’s just that today’s particularly module is the one where I don’t know anybody. I got there on time and sat alone, as always, while everyone else chatted and laughed in their cliques. This didn’t bother me too much, I’m used to it now. As always, people were going round asking us to do their research questionnaires. I should really be doing the same thing by now – my questionnaires aren’t going to fill themselves out! – but the momentum to get going hasn’t hit me yet. Maybe it will tomorrow.
I went to two meetings tonight, for the first time in weeks. Both with my close friend C, who is such a wonderful person to have around. I really like these two meetings on Thursdays; they’re not gay meetings, which is probably part of the attraction now that I’ve gotten so used to the gay rooms and all the people in them. It’s nice to have some variety in the people I see and hear every week. At the beginning of my sobriety, the straight meetings used to scare me so much. I’ve never fitted into any straight social circles – I was bullied because of my sexuality at school and I guess that put me off straight people for a long time.
I’m only just beginning to deal with that issue now; I feel I have the strength to deal with it now. So the meetings that I go to on Thursdays now are really nice. I don’t feel uncomfortable in either of them. It’s taken a while to get to this stage. I’ve only shared at one of them so far. It could be some time before I begin sharing there regularly, though I look forward to the time when I do.
The later meeting is what we in AA call an ‘old-timers’ meeting, where many of the regulars have well over a decade of sobriety under their belt. Also in the beginning, the thought of a meeting like that would really have put me off. Now, it’s the kind of meeting that cheers me and keeps me going. To be in a room with people who’ve managed to stay sober for as long as I’ve lived is incredible. The meeting has so much positivity and so much strength – they’ve all achieved their dreams through the programme. At the moment, I can’t quite imagine being one of those old-timers myself; just the idea of getting to one year sober is mind-blowing enough. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be like those happy old-timers one day.