God, I hate responsibility!
I need to get that off my chest because, although my AA commitments are going well at the moment, I still don’t like them at all. I don’t like being accountable for things. In my tea-making commitment people come up and ask me for tea all the time, and in my literature role people ask me for literature all the time! How dare they!
Tea was OK last night, although I noticed a couple of people tipping their tea partly down the sink because it was too hot. Literature tonight was also OK, though the new batch that we ordered six weeks ago STILL has not arrived. I was very anxious about this tonight. The meeting’s treasurer, O, is the one who sent the order form off six weeks ago, and so it was him I had to speak to tonight. O is a nice guy, but he seemed a bit stressed and flustered this evening, meaning I was too scared to approach him until the very last minute. It was my job to ask him what’s going on with the literature, because he was the only one who would know. I really didn’t want to bother him, but in the end I had no choice, and he was actually fine about it. He told me he’d phone the literature office tomorrow to find out what’s happened to our order, then he’s going to call me straight after to pass on the good or bad news to me. Whatever happens, the meeting will get its new literature. I’ve known this all along, but for weeks it’s played on my mind nonetheless, as my anxiety will cling to anything available. No amount of self-reassuring could stop my heart from beating fast and my forehead from sweating as I contemplated approaching O earlier on. I wanted to run away, to avoid my responsibility altogether. In the past that’s exactly what I would have done. Instead, I faced up to my role and got the problem sorted out. Still, I have a horrible feeling that soon something else will come along, and I’ll probably be anxious about my commitments for the rest of the year.
In a very similar way, my education continues to worry me. Although I have a few more weeks to write my degree dissertation, it’s on my mind all the time now, as it is on everyone’s mind. I shared about it again tonight. My AA friends must be bored of hearing about it! It’s another responsibility, another thing that I have to be accountable for. In a few short months from now I will graduate and then I’ll have to find a job of some sort; I’m sure all of this stressful stuff that’s going on at the moment is serving as good preparation for the real world. That doesn’t mean I like or appreciate it. Every day at some point I feel as if the world is out to get me. My sponsor keeps telling me it’s not, but most of the time I don’t fully believe him. A while ago I said that I feel as if I’m steering a plane; it’s still exactly like that; anything could go wrong at any minute and I could crash and burn.
I spent so much time worrying today I didn’t get any studying done – utterly shameful. Yes, there’s always tomorrow, but it’s ridiculous that I’m still spending whole days doing nothing, after all these years of underachievement. I desperately want to change my routine to make it more productive, but it’s such an uphill struggle sometimes. Most mornings I strongly feel like staying in bed all day! I know we all have days like that, it’s not just an alcoholic thing – but the difference between me and most people is that I have a long history of running away from the responsibility, rather than facing up to it. My AA commitments are the first time I’ve ever stuck around in a role. If a little thing like putting out literature every week can stress me out so much, then how the hell am I going to cope with a full time job every day of the week?!
I guess the main problem is that I want everything to get better right now. I want the fear to disappear immediately so I can start getting on with the rest of my life. Unfortunately nothing happens overnight and that’s one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in sobriety.
On a slightly different note, I might say something about romance now. Yesterday I was going on about this guy called L, who I’d just met in an alcoholic situation; at the moment it looks like we’re going to meet again for coffee next week. I haven’t thought about him or any men too much today. Looking back on the state I managed to get myself into over him yesterday, it seems ludicrous now! Then again, that’s what I’m like and what I will probably continue to be like, meeting men and falling instantly in love. Like I said, my co-dependency won’t go away overnight, in fact I don’t think it will ever go away. I don’t know how I’ll learn to cope with it yet, but maybe that will come with time. I hope. At least I can see it for what it is now, and I can get over the initial pain quite quickly. If things develop with L or anyone else in the near future, I guess there’ll be a lot more pain to come. I just need to keep my program and my recovery with me, because they have tools for me, something I’m more keenly aware of than I ever was.