8 months, 19 days

It’s felt like the busiest day of the year so far. It’s certainly been full, and I really feel grown up at the end of it! I would have benefited from getting up at 8am, but because I’ve been in the habit of getting up late every day for the past three weeks, it was impossible to get out of bed until 9.30 today, meaning that I lost a couple of hours which could have been put to very good use. I’m not beating myself up over that now, I’m just keeping aware of it because it’s a habit that needs to change! Getting into the morning routine has been so hard the last year or so. I’m always much more awake in the evenings than I am the mornings, and I need to change that because I’m going to work soon. When I get a job I won’t be able to lie in any more. Nowadays when I do lie in until 12 it does feel wrong, a bit dirty. I just hope I can get back into the morning routine soon and stick to it permanently!

The reason it would have been good to have a few extra hours today is that my Psychology dissertation is still only half written, and I need to hand in a first draft of the report to my supervisor next Monday. As soon as I was ready I had to make my way to University this morning, so I could spend a few hours in the computer lab analyzing my research data, which I’d hardly touched until today. Unfortunately the last time any of us had to do any statistical analysis was last year, meaning that opening up the statistical software this morning was a bit like opening up a book written in Japanese. It took me an hour just to hit upon the right statistical test for my data. I then had to carry that test out and begin to interpret the results. By lunch time I was drained of all brain power, and had to leave the statistics for the day. I’ll need to go in early on Monday morning to finish it off once and for all. I can’t go in tomorrow as I won’t be in that part of town to get to the computer lab (the statistical software I need is only available there).

At lunch I was very nervous as I knew the time had come to call O, to speak about our home group’s missing literature. Yesterday I got O’s number from C and made a decision to phone O at lunch time today. I thought it would be the time I’d most likely catch him, if he works full time as I think he does. I was shaking as I finished lunch and picked up my phone to make the call, but I went through with it, a very uncharacteristic act of bravery for me. Surprise, surprise, the call went to voicemail as O didn’t pick up. I had a feeling he wouldn’t answer, as he never does when I’ve tried to get C to call him. I also secretly hoped that this might happen, so I could leave a quick message and get him to make the move and call me back. Bad of me to hope for that, I know, but at least I phoned him, rather than sending a lazy text message.

The thing is, I know I’m going to have to call him again tomorrow, and again the next day, etc. until I can get hold of him. The situation is too important to leave another four days. I’m dreading picking up the phone again tomorrow, but I need to do this. While the situation continues, the newcomers at my home group are being deprived. I can’t avoid my responsibility any more. I’m not beating myself up for avoiding it before. It is my first big AA commitment, and as I said yesterday, I’ve always done my best. Now I can start to do better, because I know what I have to do. For a while this evening I was worried sick about the situation, as I have been every night this week, but then I went to a meeting which somehow reminded me that everything will be all right. The steps themselves say it all: everything will be all right, if I do the right things and hand it over to my higher power. I’ve done all I can today by phoning O, so there’s no reason to fret tonight at all.

After leaving a message for O it was time for a two hour afternoon lecture on autism, which was very interesting but very long and tiring. After that I headed to town for the weekly newcomer meeting I always go to now. It was nice but slightly strange today. Because the clocks went forward over the weekend, it was light as I walked to the church where the meeting was being held for the first time, and I realised that I’d come through my first sober winter. The weather was so nice today, and I know summer’s definitely coming now. Which means that my first sober anniversary is coming. It’s a very exciting feeling.


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