I’m going to make this a quick one today, as it is quite late and I want to be able to get to bed soon, as I do have to be up early in the morning. My dissertation deadline is fast approaching (I have two days left to finish it) and tomorrow I want to start writing as early as possible so that I can have it all done by the end of the day. I can’t bear the thought of sitting there on Friday along with everyone else, desperate to finish before the deadline arrives. I’d have more respect for myself if I could complete it tomorrow. So I want to be in bed by midnight tonight. I’m trying to get to bed earlier these days in general, because I’ve found it so unbelievably hard to get up in the mornings recently, and I know it’s because I’m going to bed late at night. I could leave this until tomorrow, but I don’t like going more than a couple of days without writing something.
God, I can’t stop explaining myself!
It’s really just been a week of work. For the past two days I’ve mostly been in front of the computer tidying up my dissertation. My surpervisor is sending a stream of feedback for me to use in improving the report. It’s good that she’s giving me all this help, but it has given me a lot more work to do this week than I would have liked. I was at the computer for six hours solid today. I’m surprised my eyes weren’t square by the end of it!
Tonight I went out for dinner with a friend from the fellowship, A. We ate in town and spent a lovely few hours together. I really, really like A. The problem is, he’s three months sober, and he’s only just started the steps. I’ve known how I feel about him for a few weeks now. We’ve become very good friends, we have an awful lot in common, and if we weren’t in AA, I would probably have asked him out by now. The fact that I have the confidence to say that is amazing.
He seems like the perfect guy. He’s smart, funny, and caring. I’ve stopped myself from pursuing a proper relationship with him so far because I know they suggest no relationships in the first year of sobriety. It’s a very good suggestion, I can see that. Relationships are stressful things, especially if you are co-dependent like me. So I haven’t told A anything about my feelings yet, I’ve simply decided to wait until he’s at least finished step 5. But it’s so difficult keeping it from him.
Tonight could easily have been a date – it was very romantic in the restaurant, with the candlelight and the music and the affectionate chatter. I wanted it to be a date, but I was forced to hold myself back because I can’t bear the thought of taking advantage of him. Even though he’s older than me, I would feel like I am taking advantage of him because he’s less sober than I am.
I definitely feel ready for a relationship now – the thought of it doesn’t scare me like it used to. I’m secure enough to know what kind of person I want to be with, and how I want it to be. But I know A isn’t ready, and I don’t want to put that pressure on him. I also know that the ideal relationship I’m imagining might not be how the reality actually turns out.
It’s so painful to have to hide my feelings. How ironic is this situation?! At last I meet someone who I could see myself being happy with, and I can’t be with him because he’s only three bloody months sober. It’s really annoying, and if I didn’t have as much sobriety as I do, it would probably be quite threatening to my recovery. I am aware that if I was to wait for him, it would be so much better in the long run for both of us. So I will wait. I have to wait, there’s no other option.
By not acting on my feelings right now, I give them a chance of developing and growing. Perhaps in six months’ time I’ll realise that I wasn’t in love with him after all. At least I would have waited to find out. Right now, I can’t persuade my heart that I’m doing the right thing, because my heart’s telling me that I’m falling in love. But I cannot afford to rush into a fling like I always did before. In sobriety I’m finding that the best way to go about things is the complete opposite to how I would have gone about them before.