10 months, 23 days

The computer at home has gone on the blink again, therefore I have been without constant internet access for the past couple of days, and am currently spending time and money in the crampy local internet café so that I can update this blog. I’m sure that the latest loss of internet at home is my higher power’s way of telling me to do other things with my time. I know I’ve become dependent on having internet access in the past few years, because every time this kind of thing happens I feel a great emotional pain in my gut, a real kind of grieving. There’s nothing I can do about the latest computer problems at this moment – I’ll need to save up some money to get my laptop repaired at some point. Until then I am powerless over this situation, as I am over many situations. Despite having had a lovely few days, my mood was predictably sour last night, because of the inability to accept that I do not have home internet access any more. I got to my usual meeting in town and did my usual thing of crossing my arms and legs in a very isolatory manner, unwilling to be sociable. Luckily the chair spent twenty minutes talking about anger and resentment, and then all the sharing followed this theme, which made it easier for me to decide to share about my own current resentment. For a long time I’ve had a major resentment against my computer, because it’s getting old and unreliable; many times I’ve wanted to physically attack it. I feel ridiculous writing this now, but last night in the meeting I made myself say it out loud, and felt better afterwards. People were, as always, very understanding. It’s not just people that we can develop resentments against!

Until the computer went on the blink, I was feeling amazing. My final presentation at University went very well on Thursday. I spoke confidently about my year long research project, answering the tutor’s questions easily. The fifteen minutes went by in a flash, and afterwards it took quite a while for the knowledge to sink in that I was no longer a student. I still can’t think about it now without wondering if there’s anything left to do for my degree. There really isn’t anything left to do – I’m finished with psychology for good, it’s finally time to enter the real adult world. As I walked out of the University building with some fellow graduates for the last time, I felt rather emotional, as I realised that I would never see them or that building again. At least I know I’m ready for this change now. Four years ago, I wasn’t ready to graduate at all, which is why I was so desperate to get back into education a year later.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. In the afternoon I went to see the spectacularly good new Indiana Jones movie with my close friend P, then in the evening I met some fellow alcoholics for coffee in Soho before the meeting. I was socialising all day and I really enjoyed myself, but this didn’t stop my mood from deteriorating as it got closer to the end of the day and the time when I would have to go home to explain to my temperamental mother why the computer wasn’t working. This is why I had to share in the meeting, though I didn’t really want to. I needed to talk about how I was feeling; the fear was driving me mad.

After the meeting I got home and of course my mum wasn’t happy about the lack of internet access, but she understands by now that these things just happen and there isn’t anything we can do about it for the time being. P said he might be able to come over later and loan us his old laptop, so we may have the internet back by the end of the day. Ideally I’ll be able to get my laptop repaired as soon as possible, as it has all my precious writings and music on it. Either that or we’ll have to fork out on a new one. It seems unfair that computers aren’t designed to last forever – for the price you pay I think it’s ridiculous that after three years they can just go like that, as mine has done. Well, I shan’t let it ruin another day, though it so badly wants to.


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