10 months, 25 days / elephant

I didn’t want to get up this morning. I’m not sure why I felt this way. Out of Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired, all day I’ve possibly been the last three. I spent most of the afternoon asleep. I really hate Mondays. I should have been applying for jobs, but I haven’t been able to find the will to do it. This lethargy that I get with every depression is just horrible, it’s like my head is full of fog, and the most routine of chores can become like pushing an elephant up a flight of stairs. Strangely, I was glad to be able to go to my meeting and make tea tonight. It was something interesting to do on a totally mundane and otherwise forgettable day. I didn’t get to share because the meeting was so busy, but I was willing to speak, and I sat with a few of the regulars afterwards chatting over coffee. At least I could do that.

I spoke to my aunt M today; last weekend I asked if she would mind speaking to my father about hooking me up with my half brothers. Today she told me that she thought the request would sound better coming from me. She already fell out with my father a few years ago because he accused her of interfering in our relationship. All she’s ever done is try to help, but he believes that none of this is her business now, so I’m the one who’s going to have to talk to him from now on. I know I owe him an apology – the last time I spoke to him three years ago I was very angry, understandably so because I didn’t know the full story of why he left my mother. Now I know that he wasn’t totally to blame in matters, so when I next speak to him I’ll owe him an amends. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’d like to salvage a relationship with my half brothers, and if possible I’d love to become his son again – I have no hard feelings towards him now at all – but I don’t know what to say to him. It doesn’t help that I haven’t seen him for five years, and it doesn’t help that I still don’t know him as a person one bit.

The good news is that we have the internet back at home. My mum was unhappy not having it here, so yesterday we went to buy a reasonably priced new computer. The one we’ve got now is nice and up to date, and knowing all I know about computers I’m sure I can look after it well enough to give it a chance of lasting more than three years. I would have thought having internet access back at home would have cheered me up, but of course it hasn’t. Computers are just material things at the end of the day – it isn’t going to sort my life’s problems out. All I can do is pray that tomorrow will be a more productive day. I must get up earlier in the morning, and I must get to searching for jobs. I must also be kind to myself, if I can.

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