11 months, 9 days / bad faith

My mood continues to be sour for no reason in particular. Actually, there is a reason, but it’s nothing new. I’m still looking for work; nothing is showing up yet. I don’t know if it’s because my CV is rubbish or simply because employers in London are really bad at getting in touch. I’ve been worried about finding work all year, to be honest, so it’s no surprise that this is on my mind today, nearly a month after I finished University.

Another thing worrying me is that my appointment with the therapist tomorrow has been cancelled. They haven’t given me a reason why: I’m waiting for them to find me another appointment. It’s annoying because I was really looking forward to that meeting, even though it would have been just a general assessment. It was nice to know that I would be seeing someone, to talk about my problems properly. Maybe I’d pinned my hopes on this appointment too much, maybe my higher power is trying to tell me something. I don’t know.

As it is, I’ll probably have to wait another month for a free slot to appear, and in the meantime will have to deal with my depression alone. It’s really becoming unbearable again. I don’t think the Prozac is working any more. I probably need my dosage upped, but I’m too scared to go to my doctor to ask about that. I’d use the AA program to deal with the problem if I thought there was anything in there that could help. At the moment, the only thing I can see in the 12 steps that relates to depression is that they encourage honesty – at least I’m aware of how I’m feeling now and some of the reasons why I feel this way.

Because of the mood I didn’t enjoy tonight’s home group at all. Unfortunately I was asked to stand in as co-secretary as the usual person is away on holiday at the moment, which meant that I had to sit at the front of the room and act as if I really wanted to be there. It’s a newcomers meeting so it probably wouldn’t have been appropriate for a regular like me to appear unhappy. I did my best, and afterwards people were coming up to me to congratulate me on how well I’d done. But I couldn’t believe what they were saying – I felt so self-conscious whilst in the hot seat and was sure that I must be giving off nervous vibes throughout the meeting. The group went for coffee afterwards as usual and I tagged along as they now literally expect me to go with them. Which is nice, I suppose. At least my company is wanted. We had a good chat in the café but the whole time I felt like crying, and I still feel like it now, though I probably won’t.

I’ve tried to take my mind off my horrid mood in the past couple of days by writing. While I’m out of work I’ve realised that I have the time to get back to my novel, so this week I’ve been going through the first draft and adding things here and there, filling out characters, improving description and imagery, as I was doing up until earlier this year. It’s going OK at the moment and I’m sure that the second draft will be finished soon enough. Maybe I’m not meant to get a proper job, maybe this is going to be my vocation. I can but dream!

I’ve been in touch with my father again and I’m hopefully going round there next weekend for some sort of meal with the family. I feel OK about that at the moment. He sounds genuinely keen to see me again, which has come as a nice surprise. I’m sure I’ll be extremely nervous next weekend on the way down there. I have to get to know my father and my brothers all over again, having not seen them since 2003. It’s going to be tough, whatever happens. I’m going to need to keep faith that my father will make it easy for me. He never did before.

It’s sad that at the moment, my life seems to be so lacking in faith. If I had any faith in a higher power, surely I wouldn’t be feeling so shitty about things tonight. All I can see in my foggy, miserable head is a bleak future with no real serenity. How can I change this? How can I stop this depression from eating me up on my own? I don’t want to have to rely on pills and therapy for the rest of my life. I want to be able to help myself! I feel like I should know how to do that by now, after all these years and all these things I’ve learnt about myself. I know why I’m depressed, so why won’t it go away? Am I missing something?

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