11 months, 24 days / waiting

I’m not feeling as great today as I did yesterday. My interview with the recruitment agency went OK, but it didn’t produce the brilliant result that I stupidly expected. I haven’t got a job to walk into tomorrow. The person I saw seemed to like my CV, but has only said she will contact me when something becomes available. I could be waiting forever. Of course, it’s a good sign that someone liked my CV, but my illness doesn’t want to take any notice of that small positive thing. All I can think about is the fact that I’m still waiting for a job to come along, and I still don’t know what path my career is going to take. Unbelievably, it’s been a month since I finished University. It doesn’t feel like a month, probably because I’ve been so busy the whole time. While I’ve been enjoying an amazing social life, the job hunt has continued to produce desperately few results, and I’m not feeling good about that today.

My sponsor would tell me to ‘hand it over’ – I’ve done everything that I need to do and, therefore, there’s no reason to worry about it tonight. Finding a job shouldn’t be the most important thing in my life right now, staying sober should be, and I’m not really thinking about my sobriety today. I don’t want to drink, but that doesn’t mean I won’t want to tomorrow or the day after. So what can I do? I can’t afford to take my sobriety for granted, but neither can I afford to remain jobless indefinitely.

As well as enduring a rather anti-climatic interview at the recruitment agency this afternoon, I got drenched several times in London by torrential rain. I hate this kind of weather – it makes everything seem so much heavier and darker. I’m sure I would have felt a lot better about things today had it been hot and sunny, like last week. I went to a meeting in the evening, hoping to feel better after a good share, but all the sharing was pretty glum, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak. At the end my friend M, who is three months sober, talked about feeling suicidal, which sent waves of sorrow and shock through the room. Afterwards I tried to comfort him and to offer some sober words of wisdom, but half the time I didn’t know what to say. Now I feel like I should have been able to deal with the situation much better. I’m nearly a year sober, I’ve been where he’s been many times before – yet at the crucial moment when he needed to hear something helpful, I practically floundered. His sponsor is away on holiday this week, so of course poor M will need more sober AA’s like me around him at the moment. I sincerely hope he’s managed to get hold of someone who can be of more use to him tonight than me. Maybe I’m being hard on myself, but I just don’t feel very clever or sober tonight.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s