11 months, 26 days / dreams

My head is still a little clouded by that fear of not knowing what’s going to happen, which is really where all my fear comes from. I’m still no nearer to finding a job, and so I remain in this limbo, though if I had to give my anxiety a score it would be several percent points less than it was on Wednesday. The weather has improved towards the end of the week, which always helps my mood. I went to a meeting last night and spoke to lots of friends, though I couldn’t actually share in the meeting because I felt too tired. Afterwards we all went for pizza across the road, which was lovely. I used to not like that Thursday meeting, but it’s certainly improved since the last time I went there about eight months ago.

I know I wouldn’t be nervous at all if I didn’t have voluntary work tonight. Every time it comes along I get this edgy uncertainty in the pit of my stomach. It’s that old fear of responsibility, which should have gone a long time ago. The work tonight will be phone service, and I completed a very successful shift two weeks ago, when I realised that it was work I really wanted to do. So I have no idea why I’m anxious about it today. The other day I was reminded of where all the fear started, in another dream about school. I’ve had the same recurring dream for years, in which I have to give up my current life and return to school to repeat my education there. I can’t understand why I keep having the same dream. Every time it happens, the following day is never as joyous or serene as a normal sober day would be. There’s this wound deep inside my psyche which is refusing to heal. I know if I ever find a way of dealing with it, my life will change completely. It’s the one thing holding me back in life – I know it’s entirely to do with the reason why I’ve never been able to find work that I enjoy. Luckily I’ve been given a new appointment with a psychotherapist at the end of the month. I was supposed to see them last month but it was cancelled at the last minute. Just thinking about those horrible dreams now puts a lump in my throat. When will they end?

My friend M is OK, by the way. The other day after I came home from the meeting I was so concerned that he would do something silly. Luckily I saw him in the meeting last night, and he seemed fine. He said that his step 4 work had been driving him mad, and that he had decided to take a break from it until his sponsor is back from holiday. This is the power of the program: seeing other people get better. That’s one of the many reasons why I ‘keep coming back’, because newcomers are coming in all the time, and I’m seeing real progress in front of my eyes. People with more sobriety used to tell me that my own progress helped them; now I know what they meant. When you see someone else making a real positive change in their lives, it confirms your own faith in the steps and the program. It’s hard to believe M is over three months sober now, chipping away at his step 4; I remember when he was two days sober, at his second meeting, so nervous and unsure of what to do. I was the same at two days. We all were. But that uncertainty doesn’t last forever. I’d do well to remember that.

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