Life is pretty good. I can’t complain about much. And I really mean that. So many times I’ve said it over the years, protected by a veil of denial which convinced me that I really was happy when all around me the world was falling apart. I don’t think that’s happening today. I don’t think the world is falling apart, I think I really am happy this time, because I know that everything is not perfect and I can accept it. I spent most of yesterday outdoors, first at the mainstream lunch time meeting which I’ve grown to like though I don’t seem to know anyone there yet. After that I had a date with a cute guy who had messaged me on facebook in the week. I want to start going on dates again, after all this time, because I’m ready. I’m not looking for Mr Right, or even Mr Right Now – I’m keeping it in the day. At times there will be the old twinge of co-dependency, like when he doesn’t reply to a text message, or when he has to cancel on me at the last minute. But I know what that twinge is now, where it comes from. I don’t have to pay any attention to it. I can keep this in the day, and I can be happy. I may see this guy again next week, I may not. We had fun yesterday. It was nice to be paid that kind of attention again. I have Sweden to thank for this new-found confidence, really. This time last week I was getting ready to celebrate another Gay Pride in Stockholm; that night I had my first sexual encounter this year, and I allowed myself to enjoy it sober for the first time. Now that I’ve done that, everything has changed, I can’t be fearful any more.
After yesterday’s date I met S for coffee for a couple of hours before the evening’s gay meeting. He was rather emotional because he has just finished the 12 steps with his sponsor. I’m so proud of him, he really deserves to be happy. We are such close friends now, I think I was the first person he told about finishing the steps. He’s only a couple of weeks more sober than me. I, meanwhile, am probably about to start the steps again. I don’t mind that now. Last night I bumped into my sponsor for the first time in nearly a month, and I finally told him that I was ready to move onto someone else. It would have been really easy to finish step 5 with him in one more session – but there would have been no point. I’m going to have to do it all again with whoever my new sponsor turns out to be.
I’m ready for this change now, because I am a changed person. I’m not worried about changing sponsor for a third time. This has felt like the right thing to do for quite some time. Only I could make this decision, and I’ve made it now. My old sponsor took the news very well. It’s almost like he knew it was coming. He’s free of sponsees now. I’m not the first person to have ‘sacked’ him. That’s not my problem. I could have felt bad for him, but this is my recovery at the end of the day. I have a fair idea who I want to ask to take over. Unfortunately, I found out that the person might say “no” to me because he’s currently going through the steps with another sponsee. Some people prefer to do it with one sponsee at a time, apparently. If that person says “no” to me, I will look for someone else. I won’t take it as a rejection. He’s a good friend, I know he loves me anyway.
I’d like to have a new sponsor by the end of the week. But I’m not going to rush into asking the first person who comes along, like I did before. I’d like my next sponsor to be more right for me. Both the sponsors I’ve had this year haven’t felt right, in a number of ways. Mainly because they were rarely available. It would be nice to work with someone who can see me at least once a week. Before I was worried that it was selfish to want that, but I’m beginning to think that it’s really what I need.
I feel surprisingly good about things today, despite not having a sponsor. I’m taking control of my life, with my higher power beside me, guiding me. Thank God I have that. Everything that’s good in my life is thanks to my higher power and the confidence that it has given me. I can’t really define my higher power, but it’s more than the world, more than AA, and much more than me. It loves me, and I needed to feel loved. Now when I say I’m grateful, I can really mean it.