Despite feeling so great in the morning, yesterday turned out to be stressful. There were delays on the Underground and I needed to get to West London for the meeting where it was my turn to be secretary. I was supposed to meet S half an hour before the meeting as he was giving the chair and didn’t know the way – he’d never been there before. I didn’t arrive in our meeting spot until ten minutes before the meeting was due to start, by which time I felt rather flustered and had a massive resentment against the Underground. Luckily S had found someone else to take him to the meeting, but my nerves were not calmed because I do not like being late for anything. The weather was miserable and I had to run to the meeting because it’s ten minutes away from the tube station.
When I got there I could tell S was annoyed with me, and I felt annoyed with myself even though I knew there was nothing I could do about the tube being delayed. I started off the meeting rather clumsily, making several mistakes despite having the script there in front of me. I didn’t want to be there in that state, and I got that old ‘run away’ feeling in my gut, the one that tells me to run and isolate when things are getting tough. I ploughed through it, and the meeting went OK in the end, but it wasn’t great. Afterwards I went to coffee with the group as usual as everyone always goes, but I couldn’t wait to get home. I realised that the fear I get when something stressful like that happens is like a physical pain – it wears off slowly. It doesn’t just go away when the stressful situation has ended. It’s like any pain. My body is reacting to a negative stimulus; it takes a while for the body to realise that the stimulus has ended.
Today was much better. I went to the meeting in town this afternoon and S and I were fine again. I chatted to lots of people and afterwards agreed to go to the cinema with them to watch the new Batman movie. I’d wanted to see it for a while. Being in a group with S and other sober friends at the cinema was a nice experience, because I’d never done it before. At the end of the month I am going to see a West End play with S; I can’t wait. Although I’ve done things like that already in sobriety, the novelty of it is still rather thrilling. I’ve discovered this year that I like going to the theatre, and I am able to share that love with real friends. How amazing is that?
I also asked somebody to be my new sponsor this evening. The new guy has twelve years’ sobriety, a lot more than my previous sponsor, and I get the impression that we will work well together. He’s a really nice guy. Not that my last sponsor wasn’t – it’s just that we never had that friendly connection which I seem to have with others. It’s rather exciting to have a new sponsor. It’s the novelty of change. I know it will wear off. I look forward to seeing how this relationship develops. I’m finding out a lot about relationships at the moment, how they evolve and change. Nothing stays the same, not even human relationships. That used to scare me, but I think I may be beginning to accept it.