For the first time in weeks, I didn’t go to a meeting today or do anything fellowship-related. I had to accompany my mother to the hospital where she was scheduled to have a tooth out; she would be under anaesthetic and would need someone to take her home after the quick operation. I was told that I ought to stay with her at home this evening just to make sure that the lasting effects of the sedation didn’t do any harm. She has been in bed most of the evening sleeping it off, and she is fine. I felt better staying here anyway. The events of this week regarding AA have left a nasty taste in my mouth, and having a day off from it has been quite satisfactory.
I think when I go back to AA I want to try out some different meetings. People say that all the time when they’ve been in AA a long time, as if attending a meeting just down the road from the old ones will quench the feelings of deep dissatisfaction that were seemingly brought on by those old meetings. Luckily there are over 600 meetings in London every week, and I’ve hardly tried out any of them yet. All year I’ve attended a very select few, because I thought I loved the familiarity. Maybe I’m running away from the problem again, by avoiding certain meetings so that I don’t have to see the same faces any more. But at the moment I don’t want to see the same faces any more. I’m still angry with P and his friends, and I’m still scared to be in the same room as A, who could turn up again at any time despite being removed from the room by police on Monday.
I know I was childish and petulant yesterday. P doesn’t owe me an invite to his birthday meal. But no matter what anyone says, I still can’t understand why I was the only person not invited. If he’s noticed such childish behaviour in me before, surely not inviting me to something is only punishing me more? Surely that’s as bad as me ignoring him from now on? I’ll see him again, and of course I’ll be civil, because I AM a polite person, it’s not an act. Unfortunately there is anger deep inside me that I’ve had all my life. I don’t use politeness to hide it. I thought I had dealt with it.
The business with A has been very sad to watch unfold, and I still don’t know how it’s going to be resolved. Apparently he’s not coming to meetings any more, so we may not see him again. That’s not what I really wanted. I hoped he would get some help as a result of Monday’s arrrest. He’s crying out for help, I’m almost in tears thinking about it.
So I’m going to try out some more local AA meetings, like I’ve said I would for months. Maybe I’ll make lots of new friends, maybe I’ll be happy again. Maybe I’ll find that I miss the gay meetings in town, and the unhappiness can’t be dealt with by running away from them. Whatever happens, my sobriety remains intact. I don’t want to drink tonight.