Serenity

I should be upset – I’ve been unwell in the past few days and I’m absolutely broke. I’ve had to let people down because I simply can’t afford to go anywhere. And I don’t feel like doing anything anyway because some kind of bug is making me want to stay in bed all day. But I’m not unhappy. The program seems to have taught me to accept the things I cannot change. This is one of those things. I’ve had a nice weekend nonetheless. On Friday I managed to complete my shift at the local gay helpline, and I was able to help a bereaved caller by listening to them on the phone for over an hour. Yesterday I went for a long walk in the beautiful sunshine and attended a step meeting that I’ve just started going to, where my friend C gave a beautiful chair. It was a lovely meeting, with a lot of great sharing. Today the weather is gorgeous again and I plan to go to a meeting that I’ve never been to before. I’m not unwell enough to start skipping meetings! I’m still doing 90 in 90, and with just a few days left I’m well on course for that target.

The only slight disappointment is that I had to let my father down last night. I was supposed to be going to his place in Surrey for dinner, but I couldn’t afford the train fare. I absolutely despise asking for money, so I couldn’t ask my mother to fund the train journey, and money is a touchy subject with my dad so I had to partly lie and tell him I was too ill to go out. The last time I asked him for financial help, it was a disaster and we didn’t see each other for five years. I don’t want that to happen again.

Being forced to live on a tight budget is something that happened to me all the time when I was drinking. I was also ill all the time in those days. So the last couple of days have been a part reminder of what it used to be like. If I hadn’t been so irresponsible with money in the last few months then I wouldn’t be in this tight spot now; and maybe if I had a healthier diet I wouldn’t be unwell at the moment. But I’m not cowering in despair at the fact that life is back to how it used to be all the time for me. As I said, recovery has given me the tools to accept the things I cannot change, and this is just the way things are at the moment. They won’t always be. At least nothing will stop me from getting to meetings. And, most importantly, I don’t have to drink.

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