Sadly, yesterday morning’s serenity didn’t last long. I discovered that I didn’t have enough money to travel to any of the usual meetings, and all the ones local to me were on too late. I felt tired and ill, and didn’t fancy going out in the evening. Towards the end of the afternoon I took a brief walk in the sun, which was nice, but came home feeling more emotional than ever. It really isn’t a good idea to get into situations where I can’t go to meetings. I’ve been irresponsible with money this month, I know I have. Thank God I have benefit payments coming through next week.
I was not looking forward to making tea at my regular step meeting tonight. I would have to ask the treasurer for reimbursement, as I definitely wouldn’t be able to fund the teatime provisions, and as I’ve probably said before, I hate asking for money. In fact it makes my skin crawl. I’d already asked my mum to lend me some money to travel into town; I definitely couldn’t miss the meeting today. So now my mum knows that I’m skint, which doesn’t help because she tends to worry more than I do.
The treasurer of tonight’s meeting happens to be S, who I’ve had a resentment against for a while. He was happy to give me the tea money – why wouldn’t he be? – but I dreaded asking him nonetheless. I felt on edge during the entire meeting, and when I realised I hadn’t shared anywhere for over a week I knew that opening my mouth would be the only thing to make me feel better. I spoke about my dire financial situation for the first time, which happily took some of the anxiety away. Sharing really does work. Most of tonight’s sharing was about step 8, the week’s main topic, and I also came to realise that I need to get on with the steps. I am doing step 5 at my new sponsor’s place this Friday, which I’m looking forward to, and then I imagine it won’t take long to do the rest of the program. I’ve been in AA long enough to know that completing the steps will help me. I’ve been stuck on step 5 for far too long. Which is nobody’s fault, it’s just that I can’t leave it any longer. I’ve always known that my life will change somehow when I finish the steps. I need to get some movement and excitement back in my program. Thanks to a new sponsor, it looks like that’s already here.