I continued to feel a bit anxious and distant from things today. The world is going through an economic crisis and so am I, thanks to my spending binge earlier in the month. Luckily I managed to get hold of some cash from an old account that I’d forgotten about today, meaning that I will be able to survive until next week’s benefit payment. It also means I can go out as planned tomorrow night with a friend from the fellowship, who is taking me to a ‘dressing up’ club…I’ll speak more about that tomorrow, but it’s very exciting!
So I was feeling distant and anxious earlier today, and I wasn’t looking forward to my home group at all. Hardly anyone over six months sober gets the opportunity to share there any more, and to be frank, I find it boring now. I’ve become so judgmental of newcomers, I find myself picking holes in their sharing – which is really bad I know. It saddens me because I honestly used to love that meeting; I didn’t want to be there tonight. I resolved to put the literature out, sit quietly at the back and then leave quickly at the end. I seem to have developed lots of little resentments against many of the regulars there, which I know are borne entirely out of jealousy. All of this bitterness towards the newcomers is me being envious of them, because they appear to be doing so well, and I’m not. It doesn’t help that I’m really anxious about money at the moment. Anxiety and insecurity always make me more resentful in general.
What I fail to realise when I’m resenting these people is that I’m acting just like a newcomer myself. The way I feel at the moment is almost exactly how I felt when I was three weeks sober. The fact that this is happening lets me know I need to work harder on my program. I need to share more, I need to pray more, and I need to get on with the steps. I’ve not been in the middle of the AA bed recently – though I’ve been going to lots of meetings, my heart hasn’t really been in it. To try and improve my mood tonight I took a rare opportunity to share at the end of the meeting, which helped enormously. I talked about the insecurity and the resentment for the second time this week; I came home much more emotionally sober than I was earlier in the day.