Low point (part 2)

I have just had a conversation with Steve. And he’s not sure he wants to meet up again, because he doesn’t think we’re sexually compatible. Which is fair enough – I still have issues around sex, and most guys don’t want to wait around for guys like me to get comfortable with it. Why should they? So here I am, alone again, unsure whether I will ever be able to enjoy a normal, healthy relationship with another man. The same thing has happened to me over and over again during the past seven years. I meet someone, I like them, and they like me but I can’t perform in bed so it all goes to shit and fizzles out before anything real has had a chance to develop. Right now I’m in pain, even though I thought I had worked through these issues. In fact I was sure I’d worked through them – I was positive up til a day ago that I didn’t need a man to complete me and that I had finally learnt how to be objective and unemotional about sex. I was wrong. Myco-dependency has come up again big time, and I’m getting the old urge to isolate, to hide in my room and avoid the world. I’m supposed to go to my old home group tomorrow and do the literature again, but I don’t want to; I feel like giving up on the program and on everything else because it all seems so pointless right now. I’m struggling to see the good in life, the progress I’m supposed to have made. It all feels like a fucking waste of time.

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3 thoughts on “Low point (part 2)

  1. hey josh, dan here also in aa. i think i i’ve had similar issues to you around sex but with patience i am dealing with them. i lost my virginity in sobriety and was/am in my late thirties (!). my first sexual experience was a disaster and I was reaching the end of my tether. 6 months later after dealing with a few issues, i started whats been a reasonable sex life to date. its not perfect but what is? i plan to keep working at it. keep the faith!

  2. Take a look at the GMFA website. They do courses that you might find useful and helpful and enjoyable. Here is a link http://www.gmfa.org.uk/londonservices/courses/index

    Maybe the Pace “getting intimate” and “Twentysomething?” and “Sex Programme” or others….

    Good luck. Your blog as well as your efforts and discussions at AA meetings must have helped so many people so don’t be hard on yourself.

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