Still in a bad space tonight. Went to the Covent Garden gay meeting that I’ve tried to avoid all year because ‘the clique’ is always there, in the middle of the room, laughing and chatting loudly as if there’s nothing wrong with the world. It didn’t make me feel much better. I liked the chair, but a lot of the sharing annoyed me. Someone had a go at other fellowships, mentioning SLAA and Sexual Anorexics and how none of them are as good for the problem as AA. His narrow minded attitude annoyed the hell out of me, as did everyone’s laughter at the fact that sexual anorexia actually exists. I didn’t want to be there and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I only stayed because my sponsor was there. Afterwards a few of us went for dinner, which was OK.
As the time to go home approached I became increasingly depressed, though, and I realised that I didn’t want to have to be alone. Now I’m home and I can’t bear to be here. I want to go out, meet someone for easy sleazy sex, get drunk. Anything to not be here right now. There’s nothing on the television that I can tolerate for more than a few seconds; my mother’s here but as always she just seems to be getting in my way. I felt exactly the same eight years ago, during the worst depression of my life, when I was seemingly trapped within these four walls without any outside interests to take me away. I never thought I would feel this way again.
Despite having AA and SLAA and a program and friends in my life, I am as depressed and lonely as I ever was. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m getting tired of fighting these feelings. I want to drink so badly. I shouldn’t be alone. I don’t want to pick up the phone – I want to go and see someone, anyone. But there’s no one around. I could so easily go across the road to the off license and spend £5, which would buy enough to get me wasted in my bedroom tonight. What good would it do? Absolutely none, but I don’t care. I’d have the worst hangover of my life in the morning, but I don’t care. I’m just so, so tired of feeling these feelings. I can’t take another day of waking up and feeling this way. I’m not grateful for sixteen months of sobriety right now, it means nothing to me. All I can think about is how fucking alone and angry I am. I wish I could curl up in a ball and disappear. Actually I wanted to do that throughout the meeting earlier.
Who’d miss me if I went out and left AA? Sure, people would be disappointed, but I don’t think it would hurt anyone. And that’s why I really want to relapse, to hurt everyone who’s tried to help me because I’m so fucking angry I have to make someone feel some of my pain. It is my oldest defence mechanism: make others feel the pain so I don’t have to feel it entirely by myself. I can’t remember where I learnt that behaviour, but it is the reason why all my relationships have been fucked up. I can’t stop doing it, I can’t change it. I don’t know what else to do, how else to protect myself.