Change

Life is changing now, fast. I can’t stop it, I don’t want to stop it. But it is still scary. Keeps me up at night, even now. I had a job interview this morning. I might have a proper job by this time next week. It was with a cleaning agency. Not the greatest job in the world. I might not exactly enjoy it. But it’s a job. It’s the first opportunity to have come along in six months. I have a trial day on Monday. See whether I like it or not. See whether they like me or not. Who knows, it could be good for me.

 I’m still seeing Jan, the older, richer guy who has just bought a flat in Hackney which I am helping to decorate. It’s slowly becoming like a home. I feel comfortable there whenever I go there. Jan and I get on really well. He talks about cocaine a bit too much for my liking. But he can never force me to take it. I haven’t told him the full story about my sobriety yet. Maybe when I do he’ll understand better. Is he the guy I always want to be with? I don’t know. Probably not. He’s probably too old for me. There are better men out there. But Jan has been good to me. Younger, better looking guys are never good to me. I’m still thinking about Gareth, the beautiful man I knew for a week late last year. While we were seeing each other it was good. But then he stopped calling me. He keeps poking me on facebook. But he won’t respond to my messages. I don’t know whether he’s messing me around or what. I feel really hurt by his behaviour. Because if he really did like me, I’d never need to look at another man. Gareth is amazing, trust me. I don’t think he wants me, though. Not really. And that sucks.

 I’ve been warned by a fellow alcoholic on this blog that I may be breaking tradition 11 with my writings. I hadn’t honestly thought about it before. Maybe I should have. I’ve always tried my best not to give identities away when I talk about friends in Alcoholics Anonymous. But I wasn’t aware until today that tradition 11 is about more than that. It’s about attraction rather than promotion. For the past eighteen months I have promoted AA with this blog. If I go on to relapse, I will show that AA doesn’t work. That worries me a bit, I admit it. I always feel defensive under attack and when a sober friend pointed out the potential danger in what I am doing, I initially responded defensively. My character defects are still there. In the light of a new day, I can see that person’s point. Should I stop writing this blog? Should I go back and remove all references to AA from previous entries? Right now neither option seems possible. I still believe that this blog is good for me. And there are too many posts to trawl through at this time of night for me to even make a dent in the things I’ve posted about AA. I’ve given too many of AA’s secrets away, I’ve let the cat out of the bag. Sorry AA. I meant you no harm. I will try not to do it again.

 I went to see the show ‘Avenue Q’ in the West End tonight. It was great fun. I’ve discovered in sobriety that I love going to the theatre. I like doing cultural things generally, really. I honestly didn’t know that before! The message of ‘Avenue Q’ seems to be all about growing up and striving for what we want in life, as long as what we want is realistic. How apt a message for me to hear at this stage in my life. A little part of me thanked my higher power after the show for letting it be so relevant. It was all done in a light-hearted, humourous way of course; which makes it all the more poignant for me, I suppose.

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One thought on “Change

  1. i have nothing but good things to say about AA. it has helped a few people very close to me gain their lives and independence back. i am thankful for AA for keeping at least 2 chairs full at my family’s table.

    secondly, as a blogger myself, i can relate honestly the relief blogging has for me. to put your feelings out there, anonymously and truthfully, and then read them over and over again, is theraputic.

    i appreciate your blog and your strength and i wish you luck in your sober endeavors.

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