How was my weekend? Great. Almost perfect. Today, Monday? Not so good. It seems that the weekend was so good I had to spend most of today recovering from it, by sleeping in until just before 5pm. I had no intention of sleeping in so late, and I still feel ashamed of the fact that I did now, hours later. I’m almost certain that the excessive sleeping is, rather than simply a symptom of laziness, one of a number of undesirable side effects associated with the anti-depressants that I have been on for nearly a year, and I’m beginning to think that I want to come off the pills. I can’t justify dealing with the side effects any more – I think I’ve learnt more than enough about my anxiety to try and deal with it pill-free. So I’m going to see my doctor soon to discuss it. I don’t like sleeping in all day, it is really depressing. It is in fact something I used to do all the time when I was drinking. I don’t need to be reminded of those lazy days any more.
The weekend was lovely, mainly because the weather became distinctly summery for the first time. On Saturday I went to Brighton for the day with a couple of friends; the trip had been planned for some time and I was looking forward to it as I’ve always loved Brighton. We spent most of the day walking around in the sun, enjoying the holiday atmosphere in the fashionable seaside resort. In the evening we went to the famous gay bars to look at gorgeous men. Myself and Salim spotted a particularly hunky guy in one of the bars and couldn’t take our eyes off him for some time. I felt that familiar tugging in my gut, telling me that I needed to get with this guy to make the whole day a success. I get that tugging every time I spot someone who fits into my narrow idea of male attractiveness. I’m aware of what it does to me, how damaging it can be; yet I can still engage in the feelings. On Saturday I was so desperate to get with this guy in one of the bars that I considered missing the train home, but luckily my friends managed to talk some sense into me! Other than that, Saturday was possibly the nicest day of the year so far. I discovered new, exciting parts of Brighton that I hadn’t known about before, and I did it all with true friends.
Yesterday was also nice, as in the evening I had a hot date in my home town. I had been speaking to this interesting and intelligent man called Mark online for a while and was looking forward to finally meeting him yesterday. Unfortunately when I got to the bar that we had agreed to meet in he phoned to say he would be a bit late; I ended up sitting on my own there for more than an hour. I was just about to go home at 8.45pm when he finally showed up with a barrage of profuse apologies, saying he had got lost on the way there! I guess I was more than generous in accepting his apology and going ahead with the date, but part of me thought that if it wasn’t meant to happen, he wouldn’t have showed up at all.
The evening was fun, as we talked about previous dating disasters, what we’re looking for in relationships and what we hope to achieve in our lives. I did not find Mark instantly attractive physically, but after all I’ve been through recently with relationships and dating, I thought I’d better ignore the physical side of things altogether and focus on his personality. In therapy I’ve identified this pattern of going for typically masculine men who fulfil all my physical needs but none of my emotional ones: I wanted to see if I could fall for someone based on their personality rather than their transient physical features. Mark is a nice guy and by the end of the evening I thought that I might want to see him again. It remains to be seen whether a relationship could actually work between us, but if I am to follow my therapist’s advice, I’m not to think about possible future relationships at all. What I ought to be doing is asking myself whether I like Mark right now. If I do, then I have the choice to see him again. It’s not about figuring out where I want to be with him in a year’s time. I might never see him again – if I don’t, there are millions of other guys out there. And I don’t need to see any particular guy again to be happy right now, because I have everything I need right now. Air, clothes, shelter, and friends who love me.