Let go, let God?

I’m feeling a bit down today and I have to let some of this crap out of my head. I’ve just been to my third SLAA meeting in a year, where I was able to identify with pretty much everything that I heard. It was scary. About halfway through the meeting I started to feel like bawling my eyes out and ever since then, it’s been a challenge to suppress the tears. Finally, the truth that I am a sex-and-love-anorexic-addict is clear to me. I can’t hide from it any more and I can’t let it continue to eat me up. It’s been eating me up for a lot longer than anyone knew. All my adult life I have clung onto the fantasy of redemptive romance; for years I’ve shied away from real relationships because they terrify me and I do not know how to perform in them. The guys I go for are bad for me; the fantasies I have of them maintain a tight grip on me. I can’t have sex without feeling shame. I can’t fall in love without immediately needing the object of my desires to rescue me from myself. In short, I haven’t got a bloody clue how to have a normal, healthy adult relationship.

I wanted to share about all of this in this afternoon’s SLAA meeting but it was so busy that I couldn’t find it in me to jump in and take my chance. It was one of those meetings that I hate, where the next person begins sharing the nanosecond the last person has said their final word. I’ve never found much recovery in those meetings; part of me feels that I’d benefit a great deal from learning to ‘take the plunge’ and open my mouth in them. Since today is only one of two anorexia-focused SLAA meetings in London, I think I’m going to have to keep going back there.

When it was over instead of sticking around to speak to someone I disappeared as quickly as I could, convinced that I would burst into tears the moment anyone spoke to me. Instead of seizing the opportunity to find the kind of spiritual connection with another human being that I so desperately need, I ran away out of habit. I was exactly the same in AA two years ago – I don’t know  how I ever got over that. Actually I do know how I did it, but I can’t bear the thought of having to go through that process all over again. I have my comfortable meetings in AA now where I know everyone and where I can share quite happily every week, but they’re not enough any more. This sex problem goes way deeper than my alcohol problem, to such an extent that I don’t think AA is the right place to deal with it any more. SLAA is the right place – if only I could magically find the friends there that I’ve taken two years to find in AA.

From the meeting I walked to Hyde Park, where I sat behind a tree and allowed myself to weep quietly for a few minutes. As soon as any passers by approached I would force the tears back in. My inbuilt phobia of showing emotion in public remains strong. It didn’t help that I’d chosen to put to a playlist of classical music on my ipod – when it came to Barber’s Adagio for Strings I was a quivering wreck. I was full to bursting point with emotion; I still am. I’d like to think that I could share about this in my AA home group later on this evening. I’d like to think that inside that safe space I could let some of these tears out. I feel a bit sick now from keeping it all in. I haven’t cried in an AA meeting for a long time. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it today. I admire people who can cry in meetings – it always seems like such a tremendous relief. I’m not depressed about the fact that I’m so upset right now. I’m actually grateful that I have these feelings today. When I want to cry I believe I’m closer to God, just as when I talk about my feelings, write them down, or produce a creative piece of work I am close to my version of God. ‘Letting go’ means letting it out, in whatever way I can. Writing about this here has helped to calm me down a bit, of course. But sharing in a meeting would probably be even better for me, if I am honest. I pray that I can find the courage to do the right thing today, whatever that is. I don’t want to drink, thank God. But I’d like to act out sexually, and that is not good. I need a spiritual solution, and after two years of following a spiritual path it is clearer to me than ever that the fellowship(s) hold an answer.


One thought on “Let go, let God?

  1. Congrats on getting the SLAA thing!! It is so difficult to take that step, am only in SLAA a few months and not that much longer in AA but the program works. Ave been in that situation in SLAA and burst out crying so many times, I find that I share at a deeper level.
    Just becareful who you tell about SLAA, some AA members dont get it and may try to 13th step you – it happened to me.
    All the best

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