Work continues to bring the kind of highs and lows that I haven’t experienced since early recovery. I think this week has been a good week so far. I’m doing better in my job than ever, and I’m starting to get praise from people other than Melanie for it. That doesn’t mean I feel any more confident in my role than I did last week. I still have that tiny fear that it’s all going to end soon. I guess it’s still very early days when it comes to settling in. I’m fantasizing about becoming the company’s longest serving employee, an accolade currently held by Kat, one of the most difficult people I have ever met. To remain there in the long term, as I would like to, I’ll have to put up with her for the next God knows how many years. I suppose this is what all people who keep their jobs for a long period of time have to deal with. Other people.
Kat has been in her role for a long time because she is a very talented woman. I guess deep down, I don’t believe I have the talent to remain there as long as she has, to work my way up the ranks as she has, because if I did believe in myself I wouldn’t be worried about this right now.
I shouldn’t be thinking about the future at all, I’m just fantasizing and projecting when I should be focusing on enjoying now. At least I’m not going into work with dread in the pit of my stomach any more. Some days I can quite look forward to going in, when I’ve been doing particularly well, like I have this week. I’m not as anonymous in the office as I used to be; people know some of the music I like now, for instance; I’m not yet ‘out’ to anyone except Melanie, though, and I would like that to change. I don’t know when it’s going to change. Perhaps everyone already knows and it just hasn’t come up in discussion. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Melanie had opened her mouth up to some of them already. Oh well.
Life at home is OK this week. Bit by bit I’m getting to know Robert, my other new flatmate, who I’d never spoken to before last month. Ethan is going through a tough time with his recovery in fellowships other than AA, and it’s bringing the mood down a little. I feel sorry for him; I wish he could find some peace and resolution to his problems, soon.
The sex life is still as questionable as ever. On Saturday I went to see Gareth for the first time in months. As always we had a fab time. The sex was amazing, of course. Unfortunately it wasn’t completely safe – having known Gareth for over a year, I trusted him enough to let him take his condom off after a few hours this time, though now I’m sort of regretting that decision. Unsafe sex was one of my most solid bottom lines in SAA, and now I’ve broken it. I’ll have to go and get tested at the GUM clinic soon, I can’t avoid it any more.
Even if I remain clean and healthy, the whole issue of what to do about Gareth remains a complicated, mind boggling puzzle. I really don’t know what to do any more. My feelings have not changed – I am still hopelessly in love with him. Things are better than they used to be; at least we talk now. I feel like I know him much better as a person than I used to. But the fact remains that he is hardly ever available. Though the sex is usually more than worth the wait, I can’t help questioning if I do deserve better after all.
My three options are: keep on seeing him every month and say nothing; keep on seeing him but tell him that I’m not happy; cut him out of my life. I really should be talking to a sponsor about this, but what do you know, I still don’t have a sodding sponsor. I might never make a decision, and end up carrying on clueless for the rest of my life.
I don’t want that to happen, but left to my own devices I’m just not going to make a decision. Which is convenient for Gareth, I guess. I could make more demands on him or I could stop seeing him altogether, but we’ve had unprotected sex now and that adds another layer to all the layers of complicated feelings that are involved with this thing now. God, where the hell is this going?
Happily, I have the rest of the week off work, meaning I have a few days to sit and possibly think about things. I’ve been so busy the past few weeks, I feel as if I haven’t had time to breathe. I keep organising things to do outside of work, in the evenings and at the weekends. I only realised today that I’m actually really tired. Just my luck that today another cold seems to be coming on. My body’s way of telling me to take the next five days easy, I suppose. Don’t worry, I intend to. I need a rest. It’s going to be a really nice few days, I can tell. That I’m allowed to have these days off and still get paid is just brilliant. I booked it as annual leave ages ago – I’m not just skiving off, like I might have done years ago. I’ve worked non stop all month, now I can put my feet up. My next leave’s not til April. From next week onwards I plan to work even harder until then. All of this has made me think that being a working adult may not be so bad after all.