I’m almost ready to give up on this whole dating business again. At the weekend I met my second Guardian Soulmates date; it seemed to go really well, we got along, I thought we would at least stay in touch. A few hours after the date was over I got a text telling me that he wasn’t really interested. Disappointing, isn’t it? It’s good that he was honest, but frankly, I’m beginning to think that I’m wasting my time and money on internet dating. I don’t know where the hell else I’m supposed to meet people, so I’m tempted to just forget about romance altogether. Honestly, after giving dating a try I’m more convinced than ever that relationships are not for me. I’m not saying that in a negative, self-flagellating way – it’s really the way I see it.
Thank God I’ve had work to take my mind off all of that crap this week. My role is continuing to expand, and I’ve pretty much settled in as one of the team. I haven’t been so obsessive about how much I’m talking to people this week – I’ve hardly had the time. Any minor worries I might have from time to time always seem to be resolved by the end of the day now. I’m not really making mistakes any more. I know exactly what I’m doing. People trust me. Whether they actually like me or not remains a mystery – it’s something I’m trying not to concern myself with. Every time I feel concerned about it I have to remind myself that other people’s opinions of me are irrelevant.
After work today the new boss took our team of five out for a meal, to get to know us and solidify the group as a proper, functioning team. Before he arrived we were a bit disjointed. These days things are better, I think. Without Melanie’s mood swings things certainly feel a lot smoother now. The meal tonight was really nice. Ross offered to pay for everyone, which was amazing. I have a job where I can go out for free meals with colleagues, where I can talk to them about stuff other than work. It is an admittedly enviable position for me to be in, one I wouldn’t have dreamed of when I started four months ago.
At home things are just about OK. I haven’t seen too much of my flatmates this week, more as a consequence of how busy I’ve been rather than as a result of me deliberately avoiding them. When I have seen them it’s been pretty normal. With Robert I still only exchange a few words here and there; with Ethan I still mainly stand there and listen to his woes at being unemployed. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to talk to him. With so many great things going on in my life, I can’t help feeling bad whenever I have to see him, to the extent that I try and hold my tongue, in case I let slip something that makes him jealous or resentful. About the upcoming New York trip I have been able to say very little to him. It can hardly be easy for Ethan to watch his own flatmate experience these wonderful, expensive things while he has to miss out through no choice of his own. Last year when I was in his position it was difficult not to hate people when they went on holidays and didn’t even ask me along. I know exactly what it is like for Ethan, and that’s what makes it so difficult to be around him. I so want him to get a job – I know it would change everything for him, like it did for me.
I know I have no reason to feel bad about anything. I’ve worked hard for these gifts. I waited a very long time for the material rewards of recovery to come my way. I must be getting what I deserve, what I prayed for all those years that I went without. As time goes on it gets harder to spend any time with Ethan. Until he gets a job it’s going to be draining having any kind of conversation with him. He’s right in the grip of severe depression at the moment. God’s sense of irony isn’t being lost on me – I know that I’m being shown how I was this time last year, thus reminded how lucky I am. It can’t stay like this forever.