It’s been the busiest week of my life, and I’ve had a lot of responsibility to get things right, and I’m not used to any of it, but I’m not hating it either. I’m sort of enjoying myself. At work I’ve gone full time, and have been handed a huge new portfolio of responsibility to go with the promotion, which would probably be daunting for anyone in my position. It’s a bit like waiting years and years for all the obstacles in your way to disappear, and then you finally get what you want, and it’s not exactly how you imagined it would be. I have waited years for some kind of purpose to enter my life; now it’s really here, I’m literally handling something that can only be mine because I’ve worked for it. From now on I will be in charge of most of the relationships that the company has with its retailers: I will have a say in what goes on the website, how it looks, what happens when things go wrong. I’ve been acquiring the knowledge for seven months, and during that time I have gradually been handed increasing amounts of responsibility and importance, so this hasn’t happened overnight, though it literally feels like it. There’s fear, because it’s still brand new and I don’t know how things will pan out yet. But mostly there is awe, at what I’ve managed to achieve in seven months. Back when I got the job, when I was working just five hours a day and I knew nothing about online retail promotions, I made a decision to just keep going, no matter what. I’ve gone back every single day, remained firm in my position through fear and doubts and immense desire to run away. And now here I am. It’s not just a job, it never was. It’s a major event in my life.
To go with the new role I will be getting a new home in the company: next week I’m moving downstairs with Jan, who will be more of a partner from here on in than a supervisor. I don’t know if we’ll be getting our own office but we’ll certainly be a force to be reckoned with. We will be a big cog in the wheel, keeping things running because we are the specialists. Already my phone has begun to ring every five minutes and my e-mail inbox is filling up at an insane speed. I am needed by people. I don’t know if I am respected yet – that seems to be something which you can’t measure by the number of phone calls you’re getting. You see it in people’s expressions, you hear it in the words they say to you. In spite of all the arguments, I get respect from Kat and Jan, my former nemeses, as they are the ones I’ve had to work the most closely with. We didn’t have a choice, we were simply thrown together by fate last year, and from the mess we’ve created something that, for the most part, works well. We’ve made a team.
Spiritually, I feel that the big shifts have begun to slow and settle. I’ve felt happy for probably the last three or four months, the longest I’ve ever felt happy for in my life. Though my situation today is nothing like the fantasy vision of 2010 I had ten years ago, I am in a situation which works for me. I am putting something into the world and getting something real out of it. I kept going, I didn’t give in. Life makes a hell of a lot more sense today than it did a few years ago.
It doesn’t matter so much that my only free time takes place at the weekends now. I’m not bothered about missing out on things any more. I make the most out of every weekend; Saturdays have become sacred. I’ve become like every other working adult in the world in that sense. The difference between me and most is that I see the meaning behind it. I can see some sort of God working in my life now: every challenge, every sleepless night, every successful day and every reward teaches me something. I’ve reached a level of awareness that I can’t go back from, and I know I am where I’m meant to be, every minute of the day. There is a constant stream of gratitude running through me now, not because I feel obligated to be thankful, but because I’m letting what was always meant to be, be. The past is gone, the future is up for grabs. When I put down the drink three years ago I had no idea any of this was going to happen, that things were going to turn out anything like the way they’ve turned out. But I knew something very important: that I could have a good future. All I needed to do was trust. The concept of trust seemed completely alien to me, and it took a very long time to really start practising it in every day life. But that knowledge was there and I couldn’t get rid of it. I kept going, I didn’t give in. I don’t claim to believe that any of my wild dreams for the future will come true, but I can perhaps see that continuing down this path will lead to very good things. Well, it already has. Who am I to argue with the evidence?
I keep thinking about school, about how I was back then compared to now. The school environment is undoubtedly very similar to the work place, and for at least five months I let that put the fear of God into me every morning when I had to go in. Slowly, very steadily I am changing that perception, something not very easy because the fear from my school days was so very deeply ingrained. I still have those dreams sometimes, the ones where I have to go back and face the bullies. What I’m doing at work is beginning to affect my psychology: I’m going deep into those fears and I am really facing them for the first time. It may be a while before the dreams stop altogether, or they may never stop. I always knew the dreams were important, because they tell me where I am. Today I can go into work / school and not be full of fear. Something I wouldn’t have thought possible even three months ago. Going to school was like going to prison – you can’t just get over that. It was a traumatic experience and for ten years I wasn’t ready to face it. Going to work was the major rehabilitative step I needed to take. Now I’ve done it. I’ve beaten the demons; I’ve gone to the heart of the danger and, lo and behold, I’ve found safety. And this is only just the beginning.