Readers will be pleased to know that, although I don’t take back anything I said on Saturday night, I am feeling a lot better now. It was another one of those occasions where I didn’t put my spiritual well being first, and I paid the consequences. I do however think that some of the points I made are really important. The gay scene is terrible for your self esteem.
Moving on, it’s been a great couple of days. Back at work I have been busier than ever, as I continue to get used to new responsibilities and challenges. Today I was involved in the training of a new starter, who will be helping us out over the summer. To be in a position of knowledge is nice – I understood what I wanted to teach the person, and I was as supportive as I could be. I couldn’t help recalling where I was six months ago, when I was in that person’s position, completely clueless about everything. By the end of the day he seemed to be making good progress with the work and I could feel pleased with myself. I am an experienced member of staff now. With this knowledge I found myself talking and laughing with colleagues even more than usual. I guess I am one of them, after all.
Back at home, things aren’t so great. Ethan is still extremely depressed by unemployment, and it was really hard to come home today and face him in his despair. I feel so bad for the chap, I wish I could do something for him, but every time I think back to what I would have liked to hear when I was unemployed a year ago, all I can remember is wanting to be left alone. I don’t mind giving Ethan his space when he’s having bad days like today, but it’s when he emerges from his room that’s when the problems start. He doesn’t have to say or do anything, you can just feel the depression sucking the air out of the room. Perhaps because I have a long history of depression, I’m more sensitive to it than others. God, I must be.
With the landlord’s recent announcement that he is thinking about selling the house, I think the time is coming for me to move into my own place, on my own. Not that I haven’t loved living with Robert and Ethan in Waterloo: we’ve had some good times here, and if I had to choose between recovery people like Robert and Ethan and non-recovery people for flatmates, I’d still always choose recovery friends. The thing is that I have been feeling the urge to try living alone for quite some time. I’ve never lived alone in my life. Whoever I’ve lived with, there have always been issues. I don’t just need a bit more space, I need a home that’s entirely my own. I don’t think that’s being selfish, I just think I’m being true to myself. I am an introverted loner by nature. I want the change.
With the significant wage increase that I have ensured with my new hours, it’s highly likely that I will be able to afford the rent on a one bedroom flat in London by the end of the year. It would be another great achievement, one that I’ve only just begun to believe possible in my life.
So I’m back to feeling good about life again, luckily. It has to be the job: the routine and the purpose that it has given my life. I’ve had a spiritual experience this year, a psychic shift that has suddenly enabled me to enjoy working for a living. You are reading about the benefits of that spiritual experience now. My life has changed, and so have I. I can’t deny it. Today I’m not thinking about sex and relationships. By the time the weekend comes around again I’m sure I will be thinking about those things. Until then, I will enjoy the positive effects of having a place in the world.