Went to a meeting on Monday night, and immediately afterwards things began to seem OK again. It was the step meeting in Bloomsbury, which was also the first AA meeting I went to three and a half years ago, and just like that first day of recovery, I experienced a similar lifting of the clouds this week. I think I must really have been suffering from the flu last week, because the lingering effects seemed to last forever, and I’m only just feeling OK again, though it is wonderful to have most of my health back. As well as the physical illness there was mental and spiritual illness last week: being so ill is bound to get one down, of course, but by the weekend I was really depressed. For most of Monday I felt like crying, which is why I knew I needed to go to a meeting that evening. At the step meeting the theme was step twelve, a step I’ve always liked, and there was some really insightful sharing about it that night. Someone talked about facing up to their responsibilities in life and relationships, and I was reminded once more that most of my problems are brought on entirely by me. So I went home and realised that the only way to feel better here will be to face up to the problems that I have with Robert.
I really didn’t feel like seeing him again, and because of that I had been carefully avoiding him, like I always avoid people who I can’t get on with, and this meant that I wasn’t able to use the communal areas in the house at normal times. I had to wait for him to go to his room before I could cook dinner, wash my clothes, do anything that involved leaving my room. It had become like all the previous house-sharing disasters that I’ve been in, and I found the memory of all the days and nights I’ve spent locked in my room due to the fear of seeing my housemates quite upsetting. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t afford to stay locked in my room any more, so I went out and made dinner in the kitchen for the first time in weeks. Robert rushed to his room as soon as he heard me coming down the stairs; there was a very brief ‘hello’ as we passed each other. I didn’t see him again all night. Much as I hated the thought of speaking to him, I sort of wished that we could have had it out that night, so that we could move on with our lives. As it stands we’re still officially avoiding each other, and I get the impression that he’s as scared of a confrontation as I am.
That I’ve been able to take responsibility and stop avoiding the situation is a big positive for me this week. As always, I owe the clarity of mind and the strength to take action entirely to my recovery. I’ve learnt the hard way that I can improve many of my own problems, and because I was able to go to the kitchen on Monday night I felt the depression start to lift quite quickly. In the past depression was just there all the time, yet in the last few months I’ve experienced a lot of ‘clear’ days where I’ve actually felt quite normal, so to feel depressed again was very unpleasant. Still, I don’t believe that I’m meant to be depressed any more, which is a good belief to have.