Sunday 4th May, 2014

Starting off with where I was a month ago…

My problem is that I still see myself as a child in many ways – not as an adult, and definitely not as a man. I only have to get on a train and stare at the grown ups around me for a few minutes to feel like I’m out of place. This feeling was so subtle I never realised I had it until this week. Now that I know about it, I seem to be realising how deep it goes more and more.

I’m realising how badly this illness has hindered every area of my life, especially relationships. It goes without saying that I’ve been bad at relationships my entire life, and I’ve spent so much time talking about it here over the years I don’t really want to go into great detail about it again. But this new realisation that I don’t see myself as a man must go some way to explaining why I have never been able to see myself as an equal in grown up relationships. It must contribute to the anxiety, the fear and paranoia I get every time I have to do something grown up, like take responsibility for something or approach someone I like.

With this new knowledge coming in, perhaps this is the beginning of a second sobriety for me. When I go to meetings now it’s nothing like it was before when I used to go to meetings. I’m not sharing in meetings at the moment, I’m just listening, and it’s beginning to dawn on me that I never really listened before. I didn’t know what I was doing before. I still don’t know what I’m doing – but at least I know it now.

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