Monday 7th July

We had a team day out yesterday to a theme park, my first ever day out with the team. It was undeniably good fun. I avoided most of the scary rides; the ones I didn’t find too scary I jumped on with everyone else with great enthusiasm. There was no awkward social isolation or embarrassing silences for me – I know everyone in the team too well for that now. Of course there are people in the team I don’t get on with as well as I do with others, but there are enough people in the department for me to have a comfortable group that I can stick with on days like that.

I wasn’t particularly taken with the early morning rise, the long noisy train journey where fellow commuters gave us dirty looks for how rowdy we were being. I felt exactly like one of those kids on school trips that unrelated adults look down on, because I’m disturbing their peaceful journey. I was glad when it was over.

Throughout the day I was getting whatsapp messages from J. We’d spent a lovely Saturday evening here in my room, kissing and cuddling in complete privacy for the first time. I’d made sure we weren’t going to park in a car park somewhere again. Left up to him, we could have continued doing that forever. I wanted to take the reins and bring him here because sitting in a car park giving someone fellatio is not romantic to me. The first time we parked out on the heath I loved it, but there was the excitement of the first time back then. All through that date I’d been dying to get his top off and I didn’t care where we went to have our fun.

Yesterday I was intent on privacy and we got it. I didn’t have to work hard to persuade him to come back here, which was good. I thought he might come up with some excuse again about not wanting to “rush” things – luckily he didn’t.

Despite getting fully naked and going nearly all the way, I still managed to feel like there was something missing. Afterwards I wanted to ask him where he thought all this was going. I couldn’t come out and ask him – I needed him to broach the subject. As much as I want to take some control in this thing, I still don’t know how to. So I left it, and when he went home after midnight I was none the wiser as to how he actually feels about me.

You’d think that getting naked with someone would prove that there is something there – but with J I keep getting the impression that he is not in this for the long run. He never talks about his feelings or what type of relationship he wants. I’m yet to discover anything meaningful about his history. I know his surname, where he lives, what he does for a living, and what his ambitions are. I don’t know whether he really likes me and considers me a potential boyfriend, or if this is just a casual thing that he’s wearing out til he gets bored.

I don’t know why I need the security of knowing how he feels about me, I just do. It’s clear to me that this need in me isn’t going to change, so I’m going to have to ask him at some point. Problem is I don’t have a clue how long I’m supposed to wait. The last thing I want is to put pressure on him and scare him off. As time goes on I get more and more desperate for answers. A said in passing to me the other day that for most people it can take months or years for them to figure out how they feel about each other. For fuck’s sake, I don’t want to wait years. I may still be young, but I feel like I’ve already waited long enough. I’ve dated hundreds of guys in the last twelve years. When you’ve been through the same crap hundreds of times, you don’t want to have to go through it any more.

I don’t think I’m asking for an awful lot. I just want to know when the “relationship” stuff is going to start happening, that’s all. Stuff like holding hands on the tube, watching TV on the sofa, going to the movies, that sort of thing. If J’s obvious contentment the other night is anything to go by, it will be years before we change what we’re currently doing.

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