Monday 28th July

It’s been a few days since last physical contact with J. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. He’s busy with his business. Too busy. Chasing someone who is always busy or tired doesn’t appeal to me. So I am examining my options. I’ve been using Grindr a lot. It doesn’t serve much purpose, but I am getting some attention on there. Today at work I was chased all day by a hot Brazilian who lives down the road from the office. I would never normally accept NSFW pictures whilst at work, but I was bored and needed a bit of entertainment. It was thrilling. I felt a bit like my younger self for a while.

S has invited me for an “informal” chat tomorrow about the job I applied for in his department. We’re going for a coffee. I wish we weren’t. I wish he’d just come to my desk, take me aside and offer me the job. But of course that won’t happen. It troubles me that I don’t know whether tomorrow is going to be a proper interview or simply a “thanks but no thanks” chat. I could ask him, but as you can probably guess I’m too scared.

In most companies I imagine you wouldn’t be taken out for coffee simply for a “thanks but no thanks” conversation, but in this company you never know. They like to do things differently. They mean well but jeez, the suspense can be irritating sometimes.

I’ve thought about very little except the interview all evening. God, if I actually get the job it’s going to be hard leaving my current role. As much as I hate the job I love my colleagues. But – and this occurs to me more and more as time passes – I need a change. I absolutely need a new challenge. I could be fooling myself about this new role, telling myself I deserve it when in reality there are far more qualified candidates. But I’ve studied the job description and I know I CAN do what’s required. It would be a mother of a challenge but I’ve done harder things before.

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