Monday 12th July

Midway through July and the interminable wait for the big announcement at work continues. Dragging on a bit, isn’t it? First they thought they’d sell the company in May, then in June, then in early July. Now the latest is they’ve pushed it back to late July. If it gets to late July and they push it back again I might want to kill myself, but I won’t be able to do anything because I’ll have to keep waiting for the bonus money. The worst thing for me would be to give up just days or weeks before an announcement is finally made. But today, yet again there’s nothing I want to do more than give up and quit this soul deadening job.

What’s happened now? Oh, just the same thing that’s been happening for nearly six years. I need the IT team to fix some issues in the system that we use; they can’t do it right now because they have other priorities. The strange thing is they weren’t saying that a few weeks ago. For about three months now, things have been getting done. I’ve accomplished some things I never thought I would accomplish. When they had some new project managers start, we had a great meeting and it really seemed like things were going to change. Money was being pumped into the team and resource was becoming available for the first time. My purpose at the company was beginning to be realised.

For a while, maybe I actually thought it would be like this forever and I could consider staying. Maybe I was stupid enough to believe their promises earlier this year when they said that they wanted to help me out. I must have been stupid; now that they’ve done some improvements, they haven’t got time to do any more. They have bigger fish to fry, and I’ve taken up enough of their precious resource this year. Today I got my rude awakening when the department head closed all of my tickets that hadn’t been started on yet. Had those tickets gotten assigned to someone, we could have had some major enhancements to the whole system. It would have given me the ability to finally do some real work, as well as make other’s lives easier.

One of our company’s official values involves being honest. So I was. I owned this shit and I spoke up to the department head. I expressed the frustration of what he was putting me through. How it has never been clear to me what they would consider a priority and what they wouldn’t; how it’s so annoying to be given the expectation that things are changing, only to be told a few weeks later that really everything’s the same as it always was.

He started his reply with a meek apology, saying that he understands, it’s a real shame and everything but there’s nothing he can do because my expectations were unrealistic. I didn’t even bother to respond; there would have been no point. It was nearly 5 o’clock, so I shut him down and went home. I’d had enough. I didn’t even tell my friend J I was going home, which he probably thought was strange because it was his first day in head office today and he might have wanted to hang out after work. At 5 o’clock I didn’t care about J and his friendship. The mean part of me could only see him as “one of them now”. He’d been up there with them all day, training in his new team. The man I’d just had a mini argument with is his new boss; the people he works with now are the people who I can’t help but see as having let me down. When I left the office this afternoon I saw him having moved to the dark side and I didn’t want to talk to him. Even though it was me who encouraged him to go for that stupid job all those weeks ago, me who felt so proud of him for getting it, me who told him I couldn’t wait for him to get here so that I’d finally have a friend in head office for a while.

I went into victim mode today and I wanted to hurt everyone, but of course the only person who felt any negative effect of today’s actions was me. It’s so ridiculous that I’m feeling this way when I’m going to be leaving this job in a few weeks, but it’s the fact that I actually thought things were going well recently, that’s what’s getting to me. I was actually enjoying moments in my new job. Now I don’t have a job, because there’s nothing for me to do with my time. My official role is pointless in the company when there is no resource available to help improve the system. I can’t log any more requests with them, and I can’t go into the system and change things myself, so I’m screwed, really.

My boss was on holiday today and it’s probably a good thing because I wouldn’t have been very nice to be around this afternoon. When she gets back on Wednesday I don’t know whether to tell her what’s happened or just not bother. I might not bother, because really, if I’m leaving in a few weeks, what does any of it matter? Then again, if I say nothing to her I’m just lying and pretending that everything’s OK and I hate doing that. I really do hate it. I still don’t know my leaving date; it could be three weeks away or it could be six weeks away. I may have been able to pretend it’s all hunky dory for the past nine months but I seriously doubt I can manage another six weeks. I was expecting to be out by now; the longer I have to keep on going in and acting as if I like being there, the more it hurts my soul.

So I tell her the truth on Wednesday: that we’re not going to get any more system improvements for the foreseeable future and I need another job to do. Then what? I know it will be the last thing she wants to hear, and she won’t have anything else for me to do. If there were any more work available in the team I’d already be doing it. She’ll be disappointed in me for not being able to find work for myself – because it’s always been my responsibility to do that, never hers – I’ll have to go back to my desk and pretend to be happy here for another three to six weeks until I get the money and I can quit.

It seems like telling my boss the truth will get me to the same place as not telling her anything, so I may as well not tell her anything. Yeah, the more I think about it the more I see that there really is no point in rocking the boat at this stage. If there really was more work to do, if things really were going to get better, it would have become obvious by now. The reason I’m so desperate to leave the company is because I’ve always known deep down that things never change there. Today has proven once again that I was right all along. If I have to carry on for the next six weeks pretending to like it, filling my time with pretend work, so be it.

*****

I should have gone to an AA meeting tonight but I didn’t. That’s about a month since the last time I went to a meeting, then. I don’t know when I’ll go again. Just like before, the longer I’m leaving it the harder it’s getting to want to go back. It’s true what they say. If you don’t stay in the middle of the bed, you eventually fall off.

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