Rant

I need to have a rant, or as they say (literally) in French, a “blow of the mouth”. The first thing I did this morning when I woke, as it always is when I wake now, was check my e-mails on my phone, only to find I still had no news on any of the jobs I’d applied for recently. I don’t know why I always check my e-mails first thing in the morning expecting there to be something. Desperation, maybe. I’m tired of the constant silence from my higher power on this matter, all I want is a sign – a chance – the situation seems as hopeless as it ever did. So I began the day feeling shit and instead of getting up, I decided to stay in bed for another few hours.

Common sense of course tries to break through, like it did yesterday, tell me this will pass because everything passes. Being positive and sticking with common sense is really tiring today, so I’m not doing it. I can’t lie and say that I accept my situation with magnanimity or gratitude today. I’m fucking pissed off. Every day it’s like I’m suffering another insult from employers who have made assumptions about me. It pisses me off that I have to keep playing this game, pretending to be the perfect candidate for every job, getting my hopes up until they turn me down. It pisses me off that the government says I have to do this, that I just have to suck it up because I’d be lazy if I didn’t. It fucks me off that I will have to start spending my savings, and that I’ll probably never get a mortgage, because the world is full of arsehole employers who make snap judgements based on reading a CV for a second. Worse, employers who then don’t bother to spend five seconds writing an e-mail letting you know you were unsuccessful. Just leave you in limbo, so you go on to the next application with confused hopes about the last one still lingering for weeks.

It feels like a giant trap that I’ve fallen into. A game that no one has given me the rules for. When I went through it before in 2009 I experienced the same frustrations, the same constant anxiety and uncertainty. I thought it would be a bit different this time, but it really isn’t. Looking for work is demoralising and fatal to the ego. I’m sick of having to condone this system when clearly it goes against all my beliefs. I’m sick of being made to feel like a failure for not finding a job straight away!

Tonight I’m supposed to be going up north, to support my AA friend M at this theatre show that he’s putting on. I don’t want to go. I’m mad enough to feel like a meeting is more important. I don’t want to let M down. I can justify it by thinking that other people from the program will be there, I’m just one person that may hardly be missed in the scheme of things. But I said I’d go, and in the past I’ve gone back on my word on too many occasions to think that it’s fine to do it again. I don’t know what to do. Right now I’m not in the mood for fun and frolics at the theatre at all, I’d rather just be in a meeting where I could at least share what’s happening. Maybe I should be grateful I don’t just want to stay in bed all day.

This anxiety is sticky and bottomless, like a swamp. Every thought I have drives me further into it, so I know that thinking about it isn’t the answer. But trying to find silence and stillness in the midst of the crisis is like trying to convince passengers on a crashing plane that they’re safe. So I try and just accept where I am, know that the panic and rage will subside eventually and I’ll remember why everything is ultimately ok. I can’t accept where I am either – it seems so unfair to be here, so annoying. I sink further and further into the trap, and there’s no ideal job coming out of nowhere to save me. It’s just me and the swamp. I wish I could find my higher power here, I wish I could remember what it’s like to feel safe. I wish I could learn to embrace uncertainty, like people in AA say I should.

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