Binary plus

Of course another aspect of my binary thinking is that everything has to have a cause, including my feelings. It has to be able to say that “this happened to me because I felt that way, or I felt this way because that happened,” etc. An example: I went to an AA meeting tonight (I’ve continued to go to them almost daily since I started work) and I didn’t feel connected to it throughout. I couldn’t identify with most of the sharing and so I turned off about halfway through. In a paradigm of causality one would want to say that it happened because I wasn’t working my program properly today, or because things are bad at work. Outside of that paradigm, maybe one could just say that it was one of “those” days, i.e. there is no reason. I’m sure I’ll go to another meeting the weekend and enjoy that one instead.

When work began today I was fully prepared for some form of confrontation with S. Although I don’t really know her at all, something in how the other girl in the team said she’d react to finding out her computer had been swapped rang true (based on what I’d seen of her previous behaviour around the office). When she arrived and found out what had happened she uttered a cold “are you serious?!” at me, before not speaking to me for the rest of the day. It was like I had stolen her personal property.

Apart from not speaking to me she was pretty normal around everyone else during the day, once the initial shock had worn off, which would suggest that it wasn’t ultimately that big a deal. She was getting on with her life. I’d avoided the humiliation that I’d been dreading in my worst fears – the rest of the team hadn’t seized on an opportunity to laugh and gang up on me; some of them had in fact been quite helpful, suggesting to S that her new computer still did the job, she just wouldn’t have some useful software for a while. I’d like to have taken heart from that but the experience stayed on my mind for the rest of the morning.

There’s the uncomfortable feeling that I’ve made an enemy, and then there’s the truth that I did nothing wrong. I didn’t make S react that way, and it’s none of my business what she thinks of me now.

After lunch I didn’t have much time to dwell on it as there was lots of work to do all of a sudden. Proper queries started coming into our inbox and I had some investigation work to do for the first time all week. The busy peak followed by long lull nature of the work was proven to me. I was encouraged when B said that at some point in the near future we’ll be trained to take over some more tasks from our neighbouring team, so hopefully there’ll be a more regular pattern of work by that point.

As I was doing so much today I naturally started to make mistakes. They weren’t huge mistakes and I shouldn’t have felt too bad about them, but it was embarrassing nonetheless to have B shaking her head as she pointed them out to me. I can resent her for that, but one can’t ignore how frustrating it must be for her, having to check these things all the time. J appears to have asked B to check everything in her absence. While the checking’s going on it doesn’t look like I’m going to be entrusted with anything more complicated or responsible than the work I’m currently doing. It will take time for me to prove my trustworthiness. I’m just going to have to go through this period of learning and making mistakes first. Nothing else I can do.

Coincidence: I know I went through the same mistakes phase when I started at my last job and it went on for months. Boring having to go through it again in a new job that’s supposed to be exciting, but at least B’s been nice about the mistakes so far, unlike the people who trained me at the old company!

I’m writing daily at the moment to try and capture what’s really going on in my new job, in the hope that I’ll have an honest document I can refer back to at times of need in the distant future. Although I documented most of my early experiences at the old job in the same way, I’ll never know if I did it completely honestly or not, because a policy of being 100% honest at all times wasn’t as big a thing with me in those days. I can’t really remember how I felt on a daily basis at the end of 2009, because it was more than six years ago and my later experiences there have naturally coloured those memories, like the dye in clothes seeping out in the wash. The only thing I have to go on now is the blog; I don’t know if the way I remember those days now is based more on what happened or on what I wrote about it. It probably doesn’t matter now. What I want to do is document everything going on at the new job now as closely as I can, without holding back or glossing over anything, so that when I have another career change I’ll actually be able to look back and say “I went through this before” or “I didn’t go through this before.” I will need to know.

As part of the rigorously honest approach I’d like to give today a score out of ten: three. Sounds terrible but it’s actually better than most days I’ve had at the bank so far! The positives of the day include the fact that I briefly talked to a couple of people for the first time, and learnt some new stuff about our products. The negative comes from having no fun in my job whatsoever; it’s not even that interesting yet. It’s true that most people in the world don’t enjoy their jobs all the time, but still, there’s got to be some enjoyment at some point. So I’m giving today a three for the fact that the negative still sits heavily on top of any positives there may be.

Oh, it was payday today – maybe that should bring it up to a four. I’m glad I’ve lasted until my first payday at the bank. It’s enabled me to finally put a plug in the constant draining of my bank account. I can start saving again – let’s hope I don’t end up having a frivolous month and blowing it all.

I can’t go any higher than four because I still don’t think I’ve made any friends, haven’t had any nice chats yet, haven’t been myself yet. I’m obsessing with what they think of me all the time, and it’s a real drag. True, I’ve lasted three more weeks than I thought I would and it’s likely I’m going to be there for a while, but there’s still so much drudgery in having to force myself there every day. And I know it wouldn’t be like that in all jobs.

Reality: I’ll probably get used to it in time and start to enjoy things about it, like I did once I’d gotten over the hump in the beginning at the last place. I can be willing to admit that today, something I couldn’t be last week. Oh, how I wish, wish, wish I knew what people thought of me though! Just for a minute.

Thank heavens it’s Friday tomorrow. I was right at the beginning of the week when I said that it’s always just around the corner. Monday feels like it was just a few minutes ago. This is how the time ahead of me will pass. In a year or two I’ll be older and more settled and it will feel as if April 2016 was just yesterday. My mind tries to trick me into believing that time is going too slowly, but it really isn’t. In the great scheme of things, nothing that happens today will matter, so I might as well just let time do its thing and let it pass.

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