I started the new job at the charity on Monday, and in many ways it should be the ideal job for me. If I could let myself be truly happy in it, I think it would be a dream. It’s got so many things going for it: a nice office, great location, small team, all lovely people, I can wear whatever I want (no more ties!), easy work. The money is terrible, but I was prepared for that, and the positives all outweigh that so much I almost don’t care any more. There’s just one thing, shall we say, that’s concerning me at the moment: so far there doesn’t seem to be much work to do. When I started I thought it was going to be hectic. I was looking forward to being rushed off my feet all week, to feeling like I was majorly contributing to something useful. On Monday we had to spend the day trawling through online learning modules that gave an overview of the charity’s history and some of its working processes, so no actual work done; yesterday and today we’ve been waiting for K, the manager, to give us work to do as it’s not clear how else we can find it. I should say that another girl, D, started on the same day as me in the same role, so I’m not on my own.
That’s another thing that should make the circumstances ideal: I’m not the only newbie in the office. Both of us have had to spend a bit of time this week twiddling our thumbs because everyone else has been too busy to suggest things for us to do.
I probably shouldn’t be complaining about this too much yet. It’s only day three, clearly we don’t really know how to do anything yet so it would be hard for them to pile work on top of us at this point. While it’s true that we’ll only learn to do stuff when they give it to us, they may not want to rush things with us yet. I’m saying all of this to convince myself by the way – I’ll keep going. It’s illogical to think that there really isn’t anything for us to do. The other member of our team, A (who’s been at the charity for twelve years, apparently) has loads of stuff to do. I’ve had hints that she’s got stuff she could share with us, but won’t be able to until we’ve learnt some more processes and been given some more access on the system. God, starting jobs and waiting for access to systems must be the bane of my life!
What I’m really worried about is redundancy. I’m not worried about being sacked: my anxiety’s become a bit more realistic recently. When all of my team was made redundant two years ago it was like the rug being pulled from under my feet, and I know I haven’t recovered from it yet. K’s been quite honest with us about the fact that we have our jobs now following a restructure of the charity that led to some redundancies. My current low paid position arose because other, much higher paid people were let go. It doesn’t lend itself to a feeling of security. Whenever I’m sitting there staring into space with nothing else to do, my thoughts can’t help drifting to the possibility that they’ll realise I’m not needed and let me go too. Thus the whole thing will have turned out to be too good to be true.
I need to let go and let God, to trust that fate wouldn’t deal such a callous hand. The journey to this job was so smooth in comparison to all other jobs, it seems so much like the best career move I could make, I’d have to wonder what kind of higher power would take it away now. Everything that’s happened to me, even what happened in 2014, has pointed to the conclusion that my HP doesn’t want me to be unhappy. I’ve had much cause to think about whether I can fully trust my HP recently, and here I am, being made to think about it again, evidently. Faith says that things will pick up, there will be work coming my way, I just need to give it time. And I haven’t exactly had nothing to do this week, there have been bits and pieces, just not as much as my over busy mind would like. It’s a certainty in life that no situation ever stays the same forever, so this one can hardly remain as it is.