Don’t be scared (of tomorrow)

I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow, but then I’m sure no one does. I could have done with more of a holiday. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way. I don’t know exactly what I’m worried about. Work will probably be how it always is – semi-busy, barely taxing, slightly boring. If I follow the worries down the rabbit hole, what seems to come up is the fear about people, again. I’m worried about being in a particular mood and not getting on with everyone, which leads to fallings out and recriminations and a generally unhappy week. If I go further with the thoughts, I guess I’m concerned about balancing full time work with the counselling course that starts in a couple of weeks. I wish that I had been firmer with them about my desire to keep part time hours when I started in September. As it is I’m starting the year with a six day working week – five days at the office followed by Saturdays at college. When I made that decision I thought I could handle it, I’m still young and energetic enough, it’s a course I want to do and doing it on Saturdays means I can earn more by working the full Monday – Friday in between. I might still be able to handle it, but now that the time is approaching I’m starting to feel more realistic about it.

I have to remember my choices here. If it gets too much, I can say to the boss that I’d rather go back to a part time contract. Other people work short weeks there, I wouldn’t be the first person to ever suggest such a thing. If I’ve genuinely given the five day week a go and it’s not working, and especially if I’ve passed my probation and they want to keep me, I would have cards to play. But I’ve got to be patient and give it time first, and that’s what I’m not liking at the moment. I wish I didn’t have to be patient! I wish I didn’t have to give it so much time!

Tonight’s meeting focused on step two, which seemed apt given the way I’ve been feeling about work. There was much sharing about faith and trust – for me, the question is whether I can trust that tomorrow will be ok. Since I got sober I’ve been trying to do that, but clearly I haven’t really managed it yet. Sure, since the beginning I’ve been willing to believe that a higher power was ready to take control of the future for me, and guide me to happiness where I couldn’t do it myself – but I haven’t got very far past willingness in all these years. As the fear of tomorrow inevitably builds like a storm at the back of my consciousness, I know I’ve got to separate myself from it somehow and let the HP take care of it, because there’s no other way for me to be sane. But trying to separate myself doesn’t really work because that involves thinking about it, just the thing I shouldn’t be doing. Thinking creates resistance, resistance draws me further into the problem. For now I may just have to accept that I’m still worried about the future, and be aware as much as possible of where the worry really comes from.

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